I really liked Aylee's analysis of Anakin. It's not something I'd given much thought to, but it makes a lot of sense. Thanks!
One quick typo:
It's black body disappeared almost immediately into the reddening sky.
Its
Love the relationship between Aylee and Tee here! And a Hutt being "subtle" -- ha!
Very exciting chapter! Aylee seems to be walking a thin line here. You build up the tension and sorrow and mystery so well.
I'm amazed that they lucked out and got a mask of Cushing. Wow.
Thank you for this! I'd been meaning to seek out this info.
No. No no no no no no no no no.
Not yet. Despite my frequent posts today, it's been a Bad Day. <3
Hahahahahahaha!
Makes sense!
They press to the wall,
"pressed"
Behind her, Master Kenobi scuffled down the heap
Why the sudden formality with Ben?
Living Loxans are a sight to behold.
Switch from past to present tense.
"Don't. Try that," he said between breaths
Don't. Try. That. (?)
Wonderful, wonderful world building.
I should get to Chapter 5 on Monday, assuming work doesn't interfere.
It's not work. I can't help editing. 😉
Ah, I hadn't. I wondered whether my comments were helpful or not. I should have asked but I got... distracted.
If you want me to do a line by line edit on Google docs or something, contact me via my /misbegotten leader page. Otherwise, I can keep giving you comments in the community.
Baby Chewie! 💙
Sorry I didn't get to this one sooner -- it's long! :)
recoiling but not giving ground
I would hope not! Jedi to Jedi, after all! :D We don't actually know that she's older than Obi-Wan yet, until later in this section.
she ground out
Maybe don't repeat "ground"?
A silent, effective rebuke and hardly a good way to start a journey.
Nice! I'm enjoying the dynamics here -- infuriated Jedi, bemused Jedi, anxious and slightly annoyed padawan. I don't think the annoyance would work if you hadn't set up the sparring session so well in the previous section. ❤
"More often than I'd like," Tir-Zen rasped at him
To be honest, at this point I'm not sure what he's referring to. I assume that you mean he's had to make excuses more often than he'd like, but the juxtaposition of handing over the voice controls to Obi-Wan/rasping at Obi-Wan makes it seem almost as if he's read Obi-Wan's thoughts about his voice? I don't think that's what you mean to imply. I'm probably reading it incorrectly!
A warm voice asked
No capitalization needed on the "a"
I really like the snippets of Aylee's speech as they come to her.
She hadn't meant to offend. Had she? She couldn't tell.
Nice!
The whole lead up to this sentence is really, really good, but I particularly like:
While he meditated, she started again, the words flowing as from the Force itself.
colored with a joke he wasn't sharing.
So very Obi-Wan! Nice detail.
Aylee swallowed, all her apologies turning to ash. "To see which way we fail," she said quietly.
Very perceptive. Lovely phrasing.
the idea of a game so old it lived only in the places time forgot.
Again, lovely.
A forest of gathering ghosts. She clenched against their encroachment.
I'm just going to keep repeating myself!
The mini-battle and Aylee's speech were so well done. Really stunning stuff. Yay!
(Haven't commented yet not for lack of interest, just exhausted!)
Boy, this is a long one!
It sank, deep and bittersweet, unfolding in his chest a feeling that was sometimes grief, sometimes memory
Very nicely captured.
cycling to a playlist of Correllian Hardstyle.
Heeeee!
He put no Force into it. His own body needed to be strong, resilient. Stripped of everything, his life may one day depend on the mettle of muscle and bone.
Oh, I like this. I imagine it could be easy to let the Force "help out" in too many ways.
The zabrak boy from the day before.
Should "zabrak" be capitalized?
He finished the second movement and started over at the beginning, too focused on his own workout to notice that Obi-Wan had come to observe. If he'd been a krayt dragon, the boy would've been dead.
The "he"s here are a bit confusing. I'd put in Obi-Wan's name again... "If Obi-Wan had been a krayt..." YMMV.
The description of the differences between a real light sabre and the practice ones is wonderful.
It looked like performance art, until Obi-Wan realized what they were: missiles.
Nice!
Hadn't he been staring slack-jawed at an apprentice's command of the Force, merely slinging weights around?
Unless you were the one being rescued, it didn't look like much—not something a hired guard couldn't do.
Interesting commentary, and a nice way to bring Obi-Wan's thoughts into focus regarding the Senate.
If you can't be smart, be skilled. And if you can't be skilled, at least be clever.
Oh Anakin. Lazy boy.
The boy played with the fabric of his tunic and gave Obi-Wan a distant, chastised glance. "They want you to show off," he said, voice dull and miserable. "So you thought of me."
Excellently played.
Obi-Wan watched him for a second, wondering if he'd just shirked the duties Master Yoda had carefully assigned or done exactly as the old Jedi had intended. He'd get his show, either way.
Again, the "he"s are a bit confusing. Don't be afraid to repeat people's names. "Master Yoda would get his show..."
Very interesting chapter. I do so love Obi-Wan, and it's interesting to see where his talents (and faults) lie as a teacher.
"You speak the truth."
or
"I... see," he said wryly.
or
"I can see!"
(Kidding just sounds odd coming from a Jedi to me. But YMMV)
Soooooo tired. Will comment later on this and the rest. :)
The whole structure took on a somber, more ancient air as the white lights warmed into reddened dusk.
Wonderfully evocative!
Everything a simulacrum of a real thing.
Great observation.
their slick, hard surfaces clicking against one another loudly in the quiet hall.
The details are fabulous. Nice attention to sound, like Yoda's cane in the last part.
in a voice pitched for libraries
Hee!
It was all very precisely calculated for the effect, and Aylee leveled a look at him.
Nice callback to Yoda and Obi-Wan's discussion.
"I do you no credit as a master," she said softly, a wistful pain needling at her chest.
Poignant!
"We should tell the cleaning staff," he said.
Hahaha.
and adopted patience
Heee. I like that he doesn't come by it naturally.
cane remained planted where it was
The juxtaposition with "planted" and the trees is amusing!
Always a performance politics must be.
So true. A lesson that Padme knows too well! :D
Aylee Desai
Original character, or just one I'm not familiar with yet?
"No kidding."
The phrasing of this strikes me as a little too "today"? ;)
Master Yoda made a displeased sound, and Obi-Wan caught himself with a wry smile.
Great interaction!
I'm saving it for when I have time to read all the way through. Once I start, I won't want to stop. Don't fret! :D
Thank you! I will do so. When I'm not watching Shaun of the Dead with the AV Club. :D
Oooh, this is lovely. Thanks for the ping!



The Library of OssusThe Golden Saber - Chapter 7Jan 07 at 9:31 AM