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Anonymous Asks

Anonymous Asks

Come ask questions and give answers anonymously!

9354 members
Posted byAnonHonorTammiein/anonymous_asks-Mar 07 at 11:11 AM

What's the proper way to go about dealing with failure? I get really hung up over it in an unhealthy way that prevents me from actually succeeding. I fail a lot, whether it's in dealing with people, meeting expectations, getting things done on time, etc.

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Comments10
  • AnonFormulasRaquelMar 07 at 11:44 AM

    You're not alone. Human brains run on terrible software. Figure out what "bugs" in your brain caused the failure. "Because I'm terrible" is not an answer. Did you lack resources? (Time is a resource.) Do you procrastinate? Do you promise to do things you actually hate? Did you fall prey to the planning fallacy? (Basically, people are rarely pessimistic enough when estimating how much time something will take.)

    Then plan how you're going to fix those bugs. You might not fix all of them, and fixing them does not erase previous upset you caused, but it's the only productive thing to do.
    Every time you feel guilty, remind yourself: "I'm working on this, and I have a plan to debug my brain. Feeling guilty is not productive and therefore not part of that plan."

    • AnonSlopesArielMar 07 at 12:10 PM

      Depending on what you discover is holding you back, it may also be helpful to remember to what extent that instinct is necessary and helpful. I said in another comment thread here that I have anxiety. I don't try to completely eliminate fear from my thought process. When a kid is about to fall and hit their head, for example, the fight or flight response to seeing the wobble enables me to rush in and catch the kid so no harm comes. But when my mind is telling me there's danger where there isn't - maybe when someone doesn't greet me as warmly as I hoped - I have to learn to tell anxiety to hush, they were clearly distracted by something else going on, they don't hate me. Forgiving yourself and your mind for bad habits and redirecting negative energy into something positive is crucial to improving yourself. Do you procrastinate because you want to think through things carefully? Don't stop being thoughtful just to get things done faster, just make sure you're keeping track of what you need to decide when so you don't get distracted and fall behind. That sort of process, of not destroying flawed personality traits, but using them in a better way.

      • AnonFormulasRaquelMar 07 at 12:12 PM

        Oh yeah definitely, dealing with "bugs" doesn't have to equal getting rid of them completely. Some you can't get rid of but can work around (for example, a disability), and some can be useful in some situations.

  • AnonBasementsScotMar 16 at 11:48 AM

    Could you define what you mean by failure?

    For myself I rarely feel that I experience total failure. It is natural to make small mistakes, but the ability to learn from them and the desire to improve upon them causes me to not be distraught Upon failure, but to embrace my failing as I embrace my successes.

  • AnonToothpicksAngusMar 07 at 12:40 PM

    Maybe you could share an example? It's hard to say more than vague generalities.


    I don't think this helps everyone, but it does help some: try to internalize your importance. As a human being.

    Reminds me of a (possibly apocryphal) story about Steve Jobs & Larry Ellison. These billionaires got one of their employees to build a prototype for them to discuss. The employee labored over it. Larry looked at it, clumsily shattered it (accidentally), and the conversation went on without appearing to notice.

    Some get to be human beings. Who goof up, make speech errors, blow deadlines, etc. When in a position of power, they're surrounded by people who learn their foibles, and adjust.

    Some do not. They're trained to be machines; objects whose value derives from their utility to others. Life is a test, where you have to get a lot of answers right, with zero help from others.

    Really hard for most to internize their importance, however, until they find an environment with a different social logic.

  • AnonMusicJoyMar 07 at 11:25 AM

    Mock denial.

    • AnonMusicJoyMar 07 at 11:26 AM

      AnonMusicJoy... heh lucky me I like this rando name

    • AnonSlopesArielMar 07 at 11:48 AM

      What do you mean by "mock denial"? As a person who struggles with at times pretty severe anxiety I can find it helpful to "talk back" to my negative thoughts. But I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not.

      • AnonMusicJoyMar 07 at 11:59 AM

        It's an acknowledgment of failure by way of making a joke about it. For example, I might say "I meant to do that" while it's completely obvious that I didn't mean to. I might make a comment about the "bright side" of my spectacular failure even though it's very obvious that the downside will always outweigh the bright side.

        It's not so much that I don't take failure seriously but I need such tools to prevent me from taking them too seriously. So, I make a joke.

      • AnonSlopesArielMar 07 at 12:11 PM

        Ok, that can be both fun and helpful. It lets you move on instead of staying in a depressed rut over your failures.

Anonymous Asks

Anonymous Asks

Come ask questions and give answers anonymously!

9354 members
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