A case of the blues

Let's be honest: when do I NOT have "the blues"? I'm feeling it more acutely these days though: words from fights linger in my brain, the jobs that I've applied to haven't worked out, I feel bored at my lab job, I'm full of worry about my life and scared that I'll be an unfulfilled blob forever. I feel outpaced.

I've determined that I want to stop trying to prove myself to others. I don't want to finish school to placate my mom, M. I don't want go, "Look, I CAN be successful 'as other people'." I want to finish school for ME. I want show myself that I can do it. This has been my albatross for a DECADE now. I want to show myself, "Look, you CAN be free. You CAN overcome. You have the strength to endure."

So I've set my heart, but I still feel plagued with insecurities. "Why can't I find a job? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I keep looking at other people's social media and letting myself get envious? Why don't I go to the gym if I'm feeling too soft and inert? Do the people around me really love no matter what?"

I want M to comfort me, but he doesn't have the right words. (Are there really "right words" when I'm in a state like this?) Little gestures like flowers or notes or whatever would help make my day, but he doesn't do them/they're not his style. Is it bad to expect? He's not responsible for my emotional state (bc that's MY responsibility), but is it bad that my thoughts are tending towards, "Can you TRY? Can you do something to show you care? Hello, do you notice me?"? (Communication is key: he can't give what he doesn't know I want/need, etc.)

(Lol, on a lighter note: how do I add tags?)