What you're keeping inside of you that you need to share - anonymously. To purge.
Breaking up with my boyfriend?
I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now and we'll be living in the same house for a year (for uni) soon, but I just went on a residential with some friends that has made me wonder whether I should break up with him.
The first reason for this is that there was a guy there that I used to have a huge crush on. I thought I had moved on from that but the past few days made me realise that I still have some sort of feelings for him, even if I'm not sure exactly what. It has been clear from the get go that I have weaker feelings towards my boyfriend than he has to me as I have only ever felt romantic attraction once, to this other guy, but since I still love my boyfriend (although maybe not in a traditional sense), I didn't think that mattered.
The second reason is that talking with my friends was wonderful, because I hadn't felt the same kind of connection for a long time. Some of them I only see once a year, and yet I have more in common with them than I do with my boyfriend.
Finally, my boyfriend has been very anxious over the past few days. When I ask him why he feels awful, he says he's not sure, but I have a suspicion that it might have started because he was worried I would cheat on him at the residential as a previous girlfriend did. When he gets anxious, he continuously says sorry and says he's a horrible person. He takes any criticism in a similarly bad way, although he has told me in the past that he takes it on board even if he does act like that and appreciates it. Either just because its who I am or because of a previous abusive relationship, I have a strong urge to placate him and basically lie, eg 'no I'm not upset with you' when I am quite upset that he's (jokingly?) asked me not to kiss other people. It occurred to me today that both of our tendencies are very unhealthy for a relationship, as his responses entrench my placation of him and mean that if there is a problem, I fold on it quite easily.
So now I'm wondering whether I should break up with him. Its difficult to decide though because I haven't seen him for a few weeks, so may be coming at it from a different place than I would be otherwise, and also because I worry for both of our mental healths if we break up, especially since we'll be living in the same house for a year. (It's also important to note that we'll have to make housing decisions for next year in a few months' time, so if I want to stay with him just because we're staying in the same house (although I don't think I could lie to him like that anyway) I would need a reason for not living with him next year).
Any advice?




I'm not sure if it counts as advice, exactly, but his possible tendency to say sorry a lot when he's anxious and to be anxious about you cheating on him reminds me of my own rOCD. And the way you describe the two of you having this anxiety/reassurance dynamic fits with that, and also with what I've learned about codependent relationships. So if you wanted to research a little and learn more about relationship anxiety and unhealthy relationship dynamics, those might be good places to start.
I hope it turns out okay, fellow Anon!
Thank you, I'll definitely look into that!
The need to placate him is something that you should work on so that you have equal say in this relationship. I think you should live separately , simply so that you can work on being stronger and more confident as you, and figuring out what you want. If he can't take that, after just ten months of dating, then he's too needy for this to be healthy.
Thanks for the advice :) unfortunately we've already signed the contract for the house so I really can't live anywhere else right now
Your own psychological well being is more important. If you need to not be with him, I would not feel obligated to go through with this. But then again, I don't know much about your situation.