What you're keeping inside of you that you need to share - anonymously. To purge.
Didn't Respond to a Friend's Texts/Calls Tonight...

I suffer from anxiety but I cover it pretty well, most of the time. I've a long history of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. If I'm invited to a social engagement, I will usually force myself to go even if I don't feel like it, "just in case". You never know. Even if you don't feel up for it, anything can happen, and I've had some great times when I've forced myself to go out to something I was hesitant to attend.
That said, past couple of things I've forced myself to attend didn't really "pay off". So when this friend texted me to come out and play tonight, impromptu... I didn't respond. A few hours after he sent the initial text, he actually tried CALLING -- and I didn't respond.
I feel a little bad/guilty. And who knows, maybe this one could have "paid off" in some way. FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. There is a parallel universe where my entire life could have gotten better if I'd just gone out tonight. But... I just couldn't get myself to go out tonight...




I HAD a friend with whom I went to several social engagements with. His thing was that he's so social he'd disappear to go mingle without saying anything, leaving me in a crowd of people I didn't know. I'm not good in crowds, especially if I've been drinking. That's a new development, I haven't always found crowds difficult. Anyway, we don't hang anymore.
That's basically what happened with this friend, the last time I went out with him. The maddening thing is, HE's not great socially either -- but he was hanging out with coworkers (who themselves weren't particularly inviting). So I was at this party without coworker friends, without anyone, and it was so bad I just left early -- even though there was a really nice open bar. He's left me high and dry a few times so I wasn't really excited to have another round with him.
Don't feel too bad about it. You decided to put yourself first this time. And that's ok. There's nothing wrong with saying, "not this time." Everyone does it.
I would, however, suggest that next time you just respond with at least a text letting them know you're not up to it. I know what it feels like to be on both sides of this equation and trust me it feels good when someone bothers to tell me what's going on. I'm never all that bothered that they cancel or can't hang out, but I am bothered that they can't even tell me.
That said, I know the pressure of breaking this kind of news to someone. It sucks and you kind of just hope they can take a hint so you don't actually have to say anything. But just try to put yourself in their shoes and it might be a little easier to be forthcoming. Wouldn't you want some kind of response? Think of it that way. And besides, being honest about what you want is more conducive to healthy friendships in my experience than keeping up an act of social interest and ignoring people when you don't want to be bothered.
Anyway, it's over now. Don't feel guilty. Maybe apologize the next time you talk to them and try to improve upon your response for next time.
And don't worry about missing out. Enjoy where you are. Leave the rest alone. FOMO is unnecessary pressure. You can't be everywhere at once. Let it go. You'll feel much better.
This particular friend would have put extra pressure on me -- and given me more grief -- if I'd responded. Less sticky to act like I'd missed his calls entirely than to engage in a phone war in real time. Not the healthiest friendship I've got.
Then I think that's even more reason not to feel guilty as well as HUGE invitation to reassess who you choose to have in your life. Or, at the very least, who you confront about how they treat you.
He's one of those friends that have been around forever. He himself doesn't have many guy friends, so he's kind of always there, even when I go through periods where I distance myself. I've removed a LOT of toxic friends from my life over the years, but he's always remained in the mix. Not to suggest he's the most toxic person but he's pissed me off. He's also bad with communication. "Not feeling up to it" would not compute to him. Not someone I'd necessarily confide in with deep problems. He's someone I'd have drinks with for laughs: talk about movies and tv and make fun of stuff.
Ah I see. I think you recognize that he's maybe not the best friend and keeping him at arm's length is best for you. So really, what it sounds like is that you did the right thing, but you don't like treating people in general that way so you feel bad. After reading your elaboration, I feel like I would have done the same thing you did.
The two other recent times I forced myself to go out were events with him, and they weren't very fun or productive. Last one particularly kind of annoyed me. He knew I wasn't having a good time and he wasn't very helpful, and I ended up leaving early -- sooo, I wasn't in a hurry to repeat the experience.
Fair enough
I love your parallel universe and analogy. I actually believe in those! So there probably is a dimension in which you did go with your friend.😆
definitely a parallel universe where i chose to go. (string theory?) i bet something life changing happened, too, which is just my luck.
yes, string theory, and quantum mechanics. I guess string theory could be classified in quantum mechanics-- quantum gravity. Why do you think something life-changing happened?
he could have been with people. i could have met someone. he could have been with coworkers which could have led to a job opportunity. that said, the last two times i forced myself to go out with him and people -- in the past few months -- i was specifically hoping it might lead to a job opportunity and nothing happened. the most recent time was a real dud.
Oh. Yes, connections. Haha! Yeah, that def happened in a parallel universe. That's prolly not comforting.
hey, sometimes i sleep through texts and calls because i have chronic fatigue and will start passing out sometimes.
however, i also have anxiety and avoidant traits, and sometimes i am tired and awake and don't respond to people. it's important to check if it's an emergency sometimes, but sometimes you're just sick and can't do it. whether physically or mentally.
my big recommendation is to check what was up and what someone was trying to contact you for as soon as you feel up to it. keep those human ties going. practice saying no if you have to.
"i'm ill a lot" isn't a lie. sometimes pushing yourself will pay off-- if you have safeties and a quick, graceful out to head home and recover. sometimes you can't. just don't let any bridges rot completely.
i think this particular friend is an extra-pressure friend, and he would have given me more grief if i'd responded in real time and made an excuse. and he's a friend i saw at the other social engagements where i pushed myself to go -- and he wasn't necessarily helpful when i was there. also, he's one of those friends that have been around long enough that i know that the bridge isn't gonna burn. i just didn't have the mental space last night.