What you're keeping inside of you that you need to share - anonymously. To purge.
I would like to commit myself to a psychiatric hospital but I'm afraid they won't let me out.
I really hate myself.
I stopped cutting years ago, but the urge to start again is so strong.
I feel like I should go to a hospital. Just to separate myself from my life (and sharp things) for a little bit. But I have to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to lose my job.
I wish there was some sort of in between where you can admit that you're having suicidal thoughts, but people don't panic and report you or tell you to call 911 or tell you they don't know you but that they love you or some shit like that. Something where you can call out of work and still get a doctor's note for your invisible illness.
You can just say, "Hey I feel like slitting my arms, can I have a room for the night or weekend or whatever?" and someone just says, "Yes. Do you want any medication?" And you're like, "Nah. I just need quiet. And I need to lay down and cry about my life without anyone throwing a fit." And they're like, "Ok. No problem. See you in the morning." And you can be away from anything harmful. And in the morning you can just get some breakfast and walk out because no one panicked and put you in a straight jacket or locked you up for your "well-being".




I read the conversation so far, and I urge you to find another psychiatrist. That's not a waste of time at all. Keep searching until you find the right one. Do not give up. I've been to many over the years, and some I've liked while others I didn't like as much, but none have panicked. Don't worry that you're going to be reported. Their goal is to get you diagnosed and medicated, if that's what's necessary. Not all psychiatrists are the same. Some have better bedside manners than others, and the competent ones will diagnose you, not ask you to diagnose yourself. If they expect you to do that, switch. Please don't give up on this. The right medication will completely change your life. When I found the right medication for me--and it took many tries. I had to try just about every one that's available now because my body chemistry is strange and just doesn't jibe with most of what's out there--I couldn't believe the difference. I wished I'd gotten the help years ago. Think about what's the alternative is. That you're going to live miserably as you are now, and you can't live like that. You can do this.
I was thinking about this last night (sorry I didn't respond). It would be nice not to feel like shit actually lol.
May I ask how you found your psychiatrist?
I asked my primary care doctor or gynecologist for a recommendation. I can't remember which one. Does that help? Do you have a primary care doctor? I know some people don't.
I don't. I'll look around though (I already don't want to do it. 😥)
Of course, you also could ask a friend you trust. I wouldn't feel ashamed about that if it's someone you feel comfortable with. So many people see therapists and/or psychiatrists that people don't really think anything of it. I certainly am never surprised when someone mentions to me that they see a therapist or if they ask for a recommendation. I like recommending mine.
I know there's some outpatient programs in some areas, but not sure how much they might work around a work schedule.
Do you have a regular therapist or psychiatrist? They are sometimes pretty good about knowing the difference between actively suicidal versus cutting.
Here is a giant list of crisis line phone numbers. I know that might not be what you want, but they really can be helpful sometimes. And they're not gonna panic.
No, I don't have a therapist or psychiatrist. I hate going to them it feels like a waste of time.
The thing is the fist thing they do is look for an excuse to panic. Probably because they don't want to get sued. "Do you want to harm yourself?" First question pretty much always. "Yes I do. That's why I'm fucking here."
Thanks for responding, though. I appreciate you trying to help.
Yeah it's difficult when they phrase it that way, which they probably have to in order to cover their asses or something.
But I'm sure a lot of their patients have ideas about self-harm. I don't believe they do (or can) commit people unless there's a fairly imminent risk of suicide.
Psychiatrists can be useful sometimes because, if nothing else, you can try to find medications that work well for you. I think a lot of people give up because the initial meds they're prescribed don't work or make them feel like shit. Sometimes it takes a few different tries to get the right stuff that works for you.
I'm sorry if I'm offering advice when you weren't really seeking it, and I hope I'm not coming across like I think I have all the answers.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this shit. I think it's often a big step to just be like "hey I'm having the urge to start cutting again and it really sucks". Even if you're doing so on an anonymous forum. It's still sorta... putting that shit out there and acknowledging it "out loud" so to speak.
Yeah, I did take medication for a little bit and it did make me feel awful. Like I was always forgetting something even though I knew I hadn't. I tried to kill myself shortly after I started them. So I stopped. And I'm still alive lol. But obviously I struggle. I've been to 3 different therapists. I hate them. It's like they want me to tell them what's wrong with me. It's like "shouldn't you tell me?" I should try again. I just don't feel like dealing with it.
And it's ok if you're offering advice. I mean not much else you can do. You're trying to help. I get it. Thank you.
I always do this. I fucking lose it and everything goes dark. And then I go online to vent like an idiot. Because I have no one. My boyfriend cares. But not really, y'know? Like, I tell him I'm not feeling well and it's like I'm bothering him. So I just deal with it alone. And by "deal" I mean bother strangers on the internet with my crap.
Thank you for being so nice. :)
I've had friends who spent years finding the right medication/dose. Which just sounds so extremely frustrating to me. But they said that once they found the right thing, they were so relieved, like this huge burden off their chest, and they were so glad that they managed to finally get their brain chemistry shit to a place where things felt right.
But that doesn't mean that it makes things magically better right now, which sucks. But I do think it's worthwhile to try.
I think I do get what you mean about your boyfriend. That sucks, and it shouldn't be that way. I think it's difficult for some people to understand, or they're just bad with certain kinds of empathy or understanding mental health stuff, idk.
Regarding internet strangers- what else are they for other than "bothering" each other on our lunch breaks? :-)
You're so nice. Don't make me cry. 😢
They always let you out eventually. :)
I truly believe. That you believe. That that was an appropriate thing to say to me. Have a good day. :)