Lonely and poly.

As the title says, I'm polyamorous. I find myself able to love multiple people at once. No one is loved "more" or "less" than another. It's like how someone might appreciate each of their friends in different but equal ways, but with romance.

Anyway. I'm currently in a LDR with someone I love very much. We have met in person several times and stuck by each other through thick and thin for over two years. He knows I'm poly, and he is extremely supportive of it.

I also room with one of my best friends, who is dating another of my best friends. Sometimes, when she's over and they're, ahem, having fun, they're loud enough for me to overhear. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. Just very sad.

You see, I have a crush on them both. I brought it up to them when I realized it, emphasizing that they did not have to reciprocate it, I just wanted to clear the air, I'm sorry for the awkwardness. They were super cool and understanding. Like, incredibly understanding. They haven't treated me differently, nor distanced themselves from me since learning about it.

But. Yeah. As you've probably guessed, they aren't poly. I don't resent them for that, no more than I resent someone for being straight or gay. But it still makes me feel incredibly lonely to hear them or even look at them sometimes. And I feel bad, because I do have someone who is everything I could ever ask for, except that he lives far, far away.

And sometimes, I feel guilty for being what I am. I suspect myself of being broken. Shallow. Sometimes, I delve especially deep into self-loathing and paranoia, and begin suspecting myself of sabotaging their relationship. Because according to common belief, that's what poly folk do, right? /bitter

They never suspect me, though. Not them, not my boyfriend. In fact, they help me out of my self-loathing again and again. I couldn't ask for better friends. Which makes it better, and which makes it worse.

I suppose I could try looking for a hookup, but I don't trust most people, and I'm not interested in sex with people I don't love and trust. It takes years of companionship through thick and thin before I develop that level of emotional closeness. Nor am I interested in actively looking for more relationships, platonic or romantic. I tend to build my best bonds when I'm not actively looking.

I guess I'll deal with it.