What you're keeping inside of you that you need to share - anonymously. To purge.
secretly angry at husband.
it's a secret because he doesn't deserve me being angry at him for it.
he went on an immense amount of manic spending sprees this year, as well as lending money to people who couldn't pay it back and who we couldn't afford to not have pay it back. he also quit his job to have more time for the things he loved simultaneously, certain from the mania that it'd have immense payoffs. (i didn't fight him about it, but spoiler: it didn't.)
our savings are gone. we're both disabled and have ups and downs, so we worked really hard during the "ups" to have a money buffer for relapses.
but i don't have formal income and it's not my money. not really. i depend on it. i've been job hunting for over a year and applying to openings that are accessible to me with my disabilities, but i've gotten no response, and i can't afford student loans and would have no means of living while studying.
i was supposed to be ready to start college this fall. formal education and certification in my fields of interest, which are also sorely needed roles in my area. now i'm applying to jobs that i know won't be physically accessible for my physical disabilities out of fear and desperation. getting foreclosed on in the winter would be horrible.
and my health has had a lot of relapses with the stress of running around to sort out the problems started by manic grandiosity. i can't blame him too much because i've got bipolar too and i know what it's like, although i haven't had that flavor of episode relapse in a while. i'm just bitter over the fear and the delay of my personal agendas. it's for selfish reasons.
we really love each other and don't begrudge each other over symptoms that we subjectively understand, and we have a solid history of helping each other work through our respective problems when we're too busy reeling from them to do it ourselves. i don't think a domestic partnership like this could have worked with anyone else, as i'll readily confess that i'm a difficult person to get along with.
so if i can hold in this one thing, this one selfish beef, until it passes? it'll be worth it. things will look a lot less scary once we have some one-time money coming in that'll buy time for the extended job hunt.




forgot to add: part of why this is upsetting and scary for me and i'm trying to hold back to not lash out? is that i'm almost out of meds. i've tried going the route of no meds or as few meds as possible, but i'm personally able to do more and get more out of my life if i give in to letting my body and brain's issues being regulated by medication-- the side effect profile is still superior to the actual symptoms being treated, and it keeps my own immune system from attacking and killing me, so that's kind of a big deal.
job hunting while running out of all meds simultaneously and not having the money to fill any of them? i've got meds for the chronic musculoskeletal spasms, meds for autoimmune problems, meds to keep my brain from self-destructing, meds to keep me from puking up anything i try to eat, and, critically, a very expensive inhaler for winter asthma because if it gets more than ten below outside i can't make it very far without passing out.
i can live a relatively normal life with access to my meds. any one being gone leaves me unable to safely make a grocery run. because i'm functional with medication, i don't qualify for disability. if it's a choice between having a job and puking up all hours or having painful attacks of spasms to the point i can't get out of bed, i'll take the job. but i can only hold the job if i already have meds access. i hope a potential employer gets back to me quickly so i can afford these damn refills.
I hear you. You're angry, and you're scared, and at the same time you understand that your husband didn't do this out of malice. I'm sorry you're in such a scary situation. :(
thank you. getting to vent about it has helped me organize my thoughts, and unload long enough to establish realistic coping plans. this has been bogging me down for weeks, but things are less scary when they're not stuck in your head anymore.
i'm vaguely hopeful about the job hunt, and was delighted to discover that a friend who'd asked to borrow money for a genuine emergency and who we'd forgotten we'd lent money to had a recent windfall, and chose to remind us and pay us back with some of it. that's a couple extra weeks bought for sorting things out.
I'm glad that venting helped, and that you got some money back already! Keeping my fingers crossed for the job hunt.
It's not selfish to be afraid. Your situation is incredibly stressful and you're doing the best you can. It's ok to be secretly angry and bitter; give yourself credit for understanding your partner's flaws (and your own) and knowing that raking him over the coals won't help. It's beautiful you can see the big picture ("if i can hold in this one thing... it'll be worth it") even in the middle of so many worries. You should give yourself credit for that, too.
Of course that doesn't solve the immediate problems. For what it's worth, it's ridiculous your ability to function only with medication disqualifies you for disability assistance. You'd think it would be the opposite.
I'm wishing you all the good luck (and a speedy and positive reply from a new employer).
thank you. i appreciate this a lot. your advice is both kind and keenly helpful, and i'm glad to have received it.