secretly angry at husband.

it's a secret because he doesn't deserve me being angry at him for it.

he went on an immense amount of manic spending sprees this year, as well as lending money to people who couldn't pay it back and who we couldn't afford to not have pay it back. he also quit his job to have more time for the things he loved simultaneously, certain from the mania that it'd have immense payoffs. (i didn't fight him about it, but spoiler: it didn't.)

our savings are gone. we're both disabled and have ups and downs, so we worked really hard during the "ups" to have a money buffer for relapses.

but i don't have formal income and it's not my money. not really. i depend on it. i've been job hunting for over a year and applying to openings that are accessible to me with my disabilities, but i've gotten no response, and i can't afford student loans and would have no means of living while studying.

i was supposed to be ready to start college this fall. formal education and certification in my fields of interest, which are also sorely needed roles in my area. now i'm applying to jobs that i know won't be physically accessible for my physical disabilities out of fear and desperation. getting foreclosed on in the winter would be horrible.

and my health has had a lot of relapses with the stress of running around to sort out the problems started by manic grandiosity. i can't blame him too much because i've got bipolar too and i know what it's like, although i haven't had that flavor of episode relapse in a while. i'm just bitter over the fear and the delay of my personal agendas. it's for selfish reasons.

we really love each other and don't begrudge each other over symptoms that we subjectively understand, and we have a solid history of helping each other work through our respective problems when we're too busy reeling from them to do it ourselves. i don't think a domestic partnership like this could have worked with anyone else, as i'll readily confess that i'm a difficult person to get along with.

so if i can hold in this one thing, this one selfish beef, until it passes? it'll be worth it. things will look a lot less scary once we have some one-time money coming in that'll buy time for the extended job hunt.