My experiences putting all of me together to cope with chronic illness, depression, anxiety in a constructive way.
Difficulties of Identity
This has been a difficult week for me. That is probably a good thing on some level. It's even possible that I may crash hard a few more times before I get a handle on being a less hidden, less fragmented, better coping, more balanced me.
A few uncomfortable things that I have been conscious of this week:
- As I am pulling my fragments together, I am afraid of being me. I want people to like me and it seems to me that when adults are at a point in their life where they say, "I want people to like me." that is a huge red flag.
- I will talk about how people find me intimidating or too direct. I see these things about me and can put them out there as examples but honestly I don't completely understand why being direct is an issue or why I'm intimidating. When I was working, people would be impressed with my skillset but would feel I was not relatable enough.
- I try too hard to get to the heart of problems. If there is an issue, I don't let it go until I understand and it frustrates me when the other person gets it and doesn't feel it's important for me to get to that point. I am open to the fact that I may never understand certain things but there has to be a reason for that. For example, I may never understand what it means to have my culture appropriated in a way that destroys its value. Some of you may never understand what it means to have been abused and unable to 'just walk away.' It's important for both parties, if something is important, to reach an understanding even if it is an understanding of support and acknowledgment they will not be able to completely understand.
- The chronic fatigue portion of my Fibromyalgia scares the crap out of me. I worry I will not find a successful way to cope with my limitations ... partly because I am not a people person, see above.
Good things
- When I shared that I was bisexual to my mother and son, in separate conversations, both pretty much shrugged okay.
- My current partner is the most supportive human being and he is not at all bothered when I'm awkward and is not intimidated by me and doesn't try to intimidate me.
- Sharing my guts out here for all to see is giving at least one or two people here the ability to see they aren't alone. Hopefully in seeing their reflections they will find a few things a little easier in their journies.
- I think that maybe my voice is gaining coherency the more I write. Maybe not every post and probably not today but overall.
- My therapist says he is glad that I am feeling up to sharing.
I still do not have a clear vision of myself, my personal over all identity, but I get the feeling it is coming together. There are little things like this current hair cut looks more like what I feel I should see in the mirror.
Be You, Love You, Embrace You, and Protect You




(BIG VIRTUAL HUGS)
I totally get the chronic fatigue stuff... I am terrified it will limit me in impossible ways. I had a rough couple of weeks here myself on that front. I'm actually currently awaiting a call from my physician to come in and do more blood tests etc etc.
I actually get called 'intense' or 'intimidating' myself.
Mad props for being bold and discussing your own journey! While it is troubling to know you've had a rough time, I feel reassured in my own ventures seeing how you are pushing on through. <3
If you ever need a spoonie buddy I'm around.
Thank you.
Also (BIG VIRTUAL HUGS) back atcha
hope you are feeling better soon.
I felt "ok" today following a visit with my doctor. Even though we're now checking me out for Liver/Kidney and Gallbladder issues in addition to monitoring Thyroid and trying to figure out if my medically mysterious self is the result of SLE or another autoimmune disease... (sigh)
A step is a step though!
I got my sense of humour back in spades. Hah!
always good to have that fall back, when there is nothing else, laugh
Agreed!