My experiences putting all of me together to cope with chronic illness, depression, anxiety in a constructive way.
Neglect, Abuse, and other forbidden topics
Some types of neglect and abuse are obvious, some are intentional, and some situational, and some are accepted (or have been in the past). I've experienced several of these over of the course of my life. Regardless of how they happened or if they are considered acceptable by society, they impacted my life in a negative way.
This is hard to write about. When I talk to my therapist he's forever calling me out because I compare my experiences to other people or some standard I have and say that what happened to me isn't all that bad. I've read stories, talked to people ... I've seen bad and it's not how I see my life story.
Except. Except that the depression and anxiety have become almost crippling and likely helped created the feedback loop with chronic illness that has finally knocked me on my ass. I have reached a point where I understand what my therapist means when he says that subverting my feelings and moving on is not healing. So, I'm writing to get my life back .... well to get a better life. I good with not going back to exactly the way things have been for the past 30 something years.
I may say "My Therapist says" a lot. That's because I am not yet comfortable giving myself permission to accept having been
- A neglected child that was unable to find comfort
- A teen that was desperate to be accepted and loved for herself
- A woman that was beaten
- A woman that was emotionally abused by a narcissist
- A woman whose trust is never really extended very far because I didn't see the abuse coming so how can I trust my judgement if someone that seems to love me is in fact going to abuse me?
- A woman that was let down almost every time I did give trust to someone to have my back so that I could let my guard down and try to work this shit out because I didn't want to live afraid of the world
- A woman that was screwed over by the system so many times that, while I always came through for my son, I paid with my health because pushing through is what I was supposed to do since I couldn't find answers that helped.
- An invisible woman that is appreciated for all her hard work but isn't really heard or helped because she doesn't fit any of the little boxes and the cliches don't make things right for her.
- A woman who owned all her mistakes and those of everyone who hurt her so that she could try to be better and forgive and in the process became filled with all the hurt she pushed down inside and now has to lance the boils and let them drain, all the hurt that went back because it was hoarded instead of having been disposed of properly.
I can't tell you how hard it was to write that out without all the caveats and explanations. I want a magic button because, frankly, if I could push a button and FF through all the work necessary to put all those things to bed, I would. In a heartbeat. Just writing that list makes me want to cry.
That's not how it works. Instead I'll write My Story a post at a time with whatever I'm working through at any given time and get all the poison out so I can heal and move on. There will be contradictions because I believe in things that are supposedly mutually exclusive, like Liberty and Quality of Life. There will be times when I may offend people because how I see the world tends to do that, if it helps it's probably not intentional so I apologize. There will be sadness and probably all kinds of triggery things because, see the list above, I have had some dark moments. A lot actually. The fact that I have had a life that, in many ways, others would love to have had, and I was miserable made some of those moments even darker.
I guess, besides all the stuff I already said, I want to say to all of you:
It's not how your life compares to anyone else. Your joy and happiness and pain and hurt belong to you. Own them all and let me be a fable for the moral lesson that it's okay to feel what you feel and it's okay to let it go, learn, and move on because subverting your feelings will cripple you in the long run.




It's fine to offend. This is your place. It's your narrative, it's you to tell your story. The real people who matter would never be offended. They would understand.. So feel free.
We are here. We owe it to ourselves to heal, to be badly, and to get the best from life.
You are awesome.
Your words give strength to me.
Thank you
Thank you and you are welcome hugs
Hugs right back at you.
And hey just look at you! No really. You've been through a whole lotta bad stuff, and yet here you are, doing your thing, getting stuff done, progressing and whatnot.
So go, go right ahead. Be awesome. Overcome everything. Find all the happiness and all the joy in the universe. You know why? Because you, yes You, You deserve all that goodness.
You made it this far, you overcame stuff which would have destroyed other people. You are a fighter.
You are a hero.
Rock on!
😂