Work Anxiety

(I wasn't feeling too comfortable posting this on tumblr, but then I remembered my imzy! Thank God for this.)

One reason why I like being in school (other than learning) is that 95% of the time, if my anxiety is bothering me, it’s because it’s me. I’m the problem, I know that and I can get through that and deal with it. Not that I also work, 95% of my work-related anxiety is because of the doctors I work for. Thankfully enough, I’ve never had anxiety flares due to a patient. Even when I had a patient yell at me, I was able to get over it relatively quickly. No, instead, my anxiety flares up every time one of the doctors messages me on the work chat or on our intra-network messaging system because I’m constantly in the state of, “Shit, did I fuck up? What did I do?”

And if I did make a mistake, my initial reaction is, “Yes, sorry, my bad. But I didn’t know.” Give me a heads up that hey, I made a mistake and this is how it’s supposed to be done. Thank you, I appreciate that. But please don’t scold me as though I don’t know what I’m doing in general. Please stop making it sound like, Yes, I want you to lose this patient’s business. That’s absolutely what I wanted. If I make the mistake a second time, then yes, absolutely, get more strict with me but we’re talking about non-related issues that you’ve never touched upon during training. I also told you that I never worked before so there’ll be some situations where I won’t know what the right thing to do is (based off on previous experiences) but I try so, sorry that I get flustered in situations in which I'm not entirely sure what to do.

But I don’t know if this is a legitimate reaction? Is it because I had lackluster training or is it just because I’m a shitty human being who can’t function in the real world? Fuck it if I know.