It's So Hard to Say Goodbye...

Soooooo... the thing is, I'm already in a weird place. I mean, my bipolar cycles are just now stabilizing, which gives me the breathing room I need to, you know, deal with the PTSD aspect of my world. Which is great, because wouldn't it be amazing if I could get that under some kind of control?

Except it feels like I can't actually come up for air. Cognitive therapy is bad enough without throwing the state of this country and all the myriad ways it wants to fuck me into the whole mess. Think it was bad when I was nervous walking down the street to Starbucks? As I deal with all the shit from therapy, I'm finding new revelations—ugly, ugly revelations—and now I can barely open Twitter without hyperventilating.

So, while I love my readers, friends and fans, I'm going to fall back on my original premise—I'm stepping away. I'm going to focus more on Imzy, where I feel safer, and to a much lesser extent, Facebook (where I have a page: /kacealexander). I'm also on Instagram and Tumblr, both as "kacealexander" in the appropriate slot in the URL.

See, today I sent the hardest fucking email, where I had to tell my most amazing professional partners that I am possibly going to miss another deadline. Not because I'm lazy, or playing, or double-booked, but because I can't keep my shit together enough to write while I'm also combatting trauma fallout.

It will get better. I know it will. But lancing the infected wound has never, ever been my favorite part of any movie, and it's true in real life, too.

So I'm super angry at myself. I'm furious at the circumstances that put me here. And I'm bitterly ashamed that this past year has been one struggle after another, so much so that I've failed in what I once prided myself on: timely deadlines.

It's going to be a rough ride for me. While I'm feeling so much better on my stabilizers, what I'm facing now is the black hole of PTSD without the mitigation of hypomania to make it tolerable.

So, yeah. Join my pages if you like. Follow me on Imzy or Instagram or whatever. But Twitter, and most of Facebook's timeline, are just too much for me. I'll push my other things to Twitter, so anyone JUST on twitter won't feel abandoned, but I won't be there to reply as much.

The small and large acts I want to do to help everything won't get done if I can't turn this energy inward for a while.

Sending love, and luck, and enormous amounts of compassion to everyone.