SFF author. Outer god. NANOSHOCK (Angry Robot) & MASS EFFECT: NEXUS UPRISING (Bioware/Titan). She/they/just this guy...
It's Weird

In theory, finally being able to have insurance that covers psychiatric and mental health care (#thanksobama!) should be more of a relief. I mean, was finally able (and aware that I needed to) go see somebody about what was shaping up to be worse than depression.
You'd think knowing the truth would be better.
It kind of is, I suppose. In a way.
Two months from now, I'll have a full psychiatric evaluation. But my intake pre-diagnosis is PTSD and unspecified bipolar disorder. Probably Type II, but that's what the evaluation will be for.
I talked and talked, answered questions, shook and shriveled and relived, and in the end, I got what I went for: a diagnosis. That it wasn't me making it up. That it was as bad inside my head as I felt.
That I had a clear path to help.
Mostly, though? I feel like winter is coming, that I know nothing, and I'm just waiting for invite to the Red Wedding.
I hope it all settles soon. I'm tired.
And I'm tired of being tired.




Names have power! One of the things that works the best for my depression is recognizing it. Once I have that a-ha moment— “oh, this is more depression than I should feel based on just the circumstances in my life, it must be chemical”— I can move on to coping strategies (switch my reading diet to pure fiction, soak in a hot bath). I hope finding the names gives you power too.
Yes, this very much. And once I have recognized it, I may (as I am currently) choose to wallow in it for a while, but it's a much lighter darkness and not dangerous to me and mine. It has been the difference, for me, between living and not.
One of depression's tricks, I've found, is that it makes you feel like winter is coming no matter how close the proverbial summer might be. Getting a diagnosis, taking these steps--they're all hard, and you should be proud. Keep on keeping on
Thanks, friends.
Lemme know if you need someone to hold doors for you.
You're the best, Josh! 😍
Good job getting there and doing what needed to be done. Winter can be braved.
Excellent graphic too.
I'm Bitmoji savvy. ;)
And thank you. ❤️️
I know that agony of knowing something isn't right but can't always put a finger on it and then it has a name, and ta-da, it's not magically fixed but it's better knowing.
It takes the stuffing out of you, beats the crap out of it, and then tries to stuff it back in however it wants. Usually incorrectly. One step of the battle back to you is what you are doing.
It's rough, it's hard, it takes time. And yes, that tired of tired dance is all too real. Some days I'm in the same boat. It is. I am. I'm annoyed with it. You are not your disease. It took me a long time to separate that from my mixed up noggin. You are strong. You aren't alone.
You reached out for help and are finding it.
And if you need a tribe to surround you, yell. We'll run to assist as we can.
💕💕💕💕
I just wish for life to feel better soon for you.
Huge hugs for you. Being able to name something gives you some measure of power over it.