How can we be kind to each other, to other creatures, and to the world?
Empathy… An informative experience…
In a recent comment on a controversial topic I explained my feelings to the article author in what I thought was a pretty clear and, if I do say so myself, compelling way. At the end of my comment I posed a few questions, one of which was…
(paraphrase) Do you, who feels so differently than I, have any empathy for people like me?
The author of that article acknowledged the clarity of my comment and question, and then said this as part of his answer…
(paraphrase) No, I don’t. Sympathy, yes. But empathy implies an ability to feel as you do, and I don’t understand anybody who actually feels the way you do.
This got me thinking about empathy. I often make a conscious effort to empathize, especially with people who have very different ideas than I have. I considered why I do that and what sometimes makes empathy difficult for me. Here’s what came to mind…
My interest in empathizing with others arose from childhood experiences. As is common with children, I witnessed and was the target of ostracizing behavior from my peers. To be perfectly honest, I probably dished out some of that bad behavior myself, but as the recipient of those ostracizing experiences I very quickly started wishing that others could know how their actions impacted me… and that subsequently curbed my bad behavior. I was wishing for empathy from others… not “sympathy”… empathy. Although I can’t say that I understood this as well at the time as I do now, I’m sure I was subconsciously hoping that empathy would change the behavior of others as it had changed my behavior. Eventually, I identified this hope as the ethic expressed in The Golden Rule.
Over time The Golden Rule has become a stronger and stronger part of my personal ethics, and I try to apply it to much more than just other people. For me, it was pretty easy to extend The Golden Rule to other animals, especially mammals. I consider…
- How might I feel about my circumstances if I was that animal?
- What would I think of the humans I encountered?
- What would my hopes be for how humans would interact with me?
Eventually, I started considering the impact of my actions on the environment… plants, and even non-living things. As a kid, living in the Mojave Desert, I used to scramble up on various peaks to roll boulders down the mountain… Now, I try to put myself in the place of the rock who might say to me, “Dear Sir, please do not cast me down the mountain. It has taken so many millennia for me to attain this high place, and I would very much like to stay here a while.” Of course there is nothing in our experience that tells us rocks would have any “hopes”, but we can still consider the merits of our actions as though rocks and other inanimate objects have the same sort of feelings we have.
I cannot tell the unempathetic guy that I have any notion of how a rock might “really feel”… in fact rocks probably don’t “feel” or “hope for” anything… still, I try to imagine it… and then use that to consider the merits of my actions. Is there something inherently bad about using such an approach? I don’t think so… I feel like doing this gives me a greater appreciation and respect for everything. So whether or not this unempathetic guy has the capacity to “understand” someone like me, I wonder… is it just that he is unwilling to try.
Disdain for empathy is spreading through our society... Rather than trying to understand those who are different... Many people expect or want others to be like them...
Here's a challenge... Find people who have different views than you have... Make an effort to understand why they hold differing beliefs... look for things that you have in common with them... do your best to empathize...
Cheers, Mal
[Mal steps down off his soap box... finds a comfy spot in the grass to lie-down... takes a nap...]




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What you say makes sense to me.
I think of you as a kind, compassionate person.
Hi pyxamid,
Also a fair question, pyxamid!
First and formost I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting that one must be empathetic to be a "good person"!!! Absolutely not... In fact, I don't think I am in a possition even to define universal goodness. What is good for me may not be good for you.
Also, I am certainly not suggesting you should "lock yourself away in your room for the rest of your life and never interact with anyone"... quite the opposite. For me, interacting with others creates purpose, interest, and fulfillment in m life.
Perhaps empathy is not quite the right concept... What I am saying is that knowing others... knowing what makes them tick, so to speak, puts me in a place where I am more likely to find common ground... it inspires me to be more cooperative and more considerate... and if we do this, it just might spawn mutual curiosity, mutual cooperation, mutual appreciation, and at the end of the day make the world a better place to live for us all.
I wish you well, pyxamid!
Cheers, Mal
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[Mal sends a friendly wag to pyxamid...] :o)
Thank you for writing this, Mal.
Going to have to think about this one.
It is, for example, very hard for me to empathize with someone who feels like they should vote for Donald Trump.
Trump uses incendiary rhetoric that is sometimes racist.
How could I empathize with a person who supports a person who employs racist language?
Well... That's a fair question, ifindkarma! You may not be able to empathize with such a person... I only ask that you try... and most importantly, to make an effort to understand him... How did he come to be as he is... We will always be divided, and at odds with one another if we don't make an effort to, at the very least, understand those who are most different. After all, if I have any hope that such people will make an effort to understand me, isn't it incumbent on me to make a similar effort to understand them???
For the record, I find him just plain revolting... I figure that if I manage to get any understanding of him, that may help me understand and relate to people who think he offers them something they want and need.
You don't have to like the school yard bully and his actions... but you can still try to understand, and maybe even empathize with the things in his life that lead him to be as he is.
Cheers, Mal
Thanks Mal.
The only reason I can think of that a person would support Trump is that they're feeling stress and hurt from life and they want someone who promises to change the way things are.
Still it's hard to truly get into that mindset.