Mal is an anthropomorphic Malamute, a philosopher, photographer, and modern-day Luddite who likes to discuss stuff
I Don't Read!

Well… That’s not completely correct. I do know how to read, but my reading comprehension is poor. I usually have to read things over and over and over before I really begin to understand what the author is trying to convey. It’s arduous… not fun.
My mother was an avid reader, and she saw reading skill as a measure of intellectual prowess. So, as a child, I had reading tutors. That didn’t solve the problem. I don’t think I’m intellectually feeble, but I sometimes wonder how I made it through college with this weakness. I did alright, but I didn’t make it into the cum laude club.
I’ve had a pretty good measure of success in my career. Much of the knowledge necessary to achieve that success was acquired, not by reading, but strictly by trial and error and my own reasoning.
As a child, I was somewhat socially isolated because of an orthopedic problem that limited my ability to play with my peers. Thankfully, that only lasted a few years. Even so, I’ve never been adept with social interaction. It occurs to me there may be some connection between my reading comprehension weakness and my awkwardness in social situations. Social communication often involves subtlety, allusion, innuendo, and other forms of indirect communication. While I have, over the years, learned to navigate somewhat in this sort of interaction, it always leaves me feeling a little uneasy… because I’m often unsure I’ve correctly “comprehended” what others are trying to convey. I find that sort of communication awkward and less rewarding than a straightforward approach aimed at unmistakable clarity.
Now as I enter my “golden years”, I am faced with another impediment to comprehension… my hearing is deteriorating. I often ask people to repeat what they have just said. If I don’t get it on the second try, I am very reticent to ask for another repeat. I fear people will find this bothersome… or maybe they will feel I am not giving them the attention they deserve. I often find myself evaluating the situation… trying to determine the importance or urgency of understanding what someone has tried to convey. If it isn’t a mission critical situation, I will sometimes try to fake it… doing my best to guess what someone has said. If I reply out of context with what has actually been said, that will reveal I’ve been “faking it.” Being genuine is of paramount importance to me. So in an effort to avoid being dishonest I just stop talking. This is a problem… because I feel connection with others is a fundamental element of a fulfilling and purposeful life. With a weakness in reading comprehension and various difficulties with verbal communication I’m not getting as much “connection” in my life as I would like to have.
It is not uncommon for people to launch into a conversation with me assuming I must have read this or that. I guess I should take that as a positive affirmation of the intellectual strength they see in me. It’s kind of awkward, though. It’s a bit like the hearing problem. Do I just say, “Sorry, I haven’t read that.”, or do I say as little as possible hoping to “fake” my way through the situation? Sometimes, I feel like standing on the roof and shouting to the world… “I don’t read! I’m not stupid; I just don’t read; Okay???” I’m afraid that’ll drive people away. I certainly don’t want to do that… because I crave connection with others. So… I try writing… honestly and candidly… I put my thoughts in a corked bottle… and toss it into the ocean we call the internet. Maybe someone will find that bottle washed up on their shoreline someday… who knows?



