Anything to do with mental illnesses/disorders
Rants ahoy

Hello, P (for people).
I'm just having a bad day for no seemed reason. The sun is up, the sky are blue, my job is easy and not demanding too much and I'm surrounded by books and people (I'm a librarian). Yet I'm feeling anxious, in bad mood, powerless, shamed and angry with myself, with my weaknesses. And then guilt above all these things.
I would never know if I have some illness which brings me down, or if my feelings have some kind of meaning - something that should make sense and drive me into some kind of change... I feel - who would want to be with me? As in a girlfriend. Who would want to take in all this mess?...
Are you having a bad day? Maybe a couple of bad days? Maybe you just want to rant.
Please, rant here for free. Don't feel like you need to rationalize or apologize for anyone. Sometimes even keeping an uplift spirit is hard. Sometimes you just need to rant.




Last week was entirely a "I just want to stay in bed and cry" kind of week. No reason. The weather was gorgeous. I wanted to ride my bike into work, but instead, nope. Took an hour to get up, and even then, I spent the entire week on the verge of breaking.
This week is being marginally better, but not by much.
I hope it keeps getting better.
I'm also having a bad day, well, in my head most days are pretty bad. What I'm wondering today is:
Does it make me too vulnerable to talk about my mental problems? I am in a position of power and I don't want to lessen my (or Imzy's) chance of success, but I don't want to further stigmatize mental illness. This is a really hard struggle and question that I honestly don't know the answer.
Would I be better of to pretend everything is great? Or should I tell it like it is?
Personally I would say to tell it how it is, I think that most people who would look down on you, or anyone, for having a mental illness are, in many cases, rather toxic.
Also I think that for a lot of it, imzy has grown to be much larger than you, or me, or anybody, imzy has really taken off quickly and I don't think that most people would judge the site on your, or any other staff's, choices, especially not personal one's.
Also of course if you worry about people judging you, you can always create a different profile and nobody would know, that is of course a major selling point of imzy, however do of course try to remember to not post it in a screenshot showing some new feature or something.
Ultimately I think the most important thing is to remember that if your not talking about it here then to talk about it somewhere.
I agree. Imzy leaders being willing to use these communities to share their personal struggles is kind of cool. After all, you made Imzy because you wanted to create a platform for healthy communities and the rest of us are using Imzy because we're excited to be part of healthy communities... It makes sense for us all to be in this together, especially on these more sensitive topics.
Having said that, alternate and anonymous profiles are useful, too. I definitely use them when stuff just feels too personal.
This is one of the infuriating things about mental illness, especially anxiety and depression. There's no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes it's triggered by circumstances, but sometimes you just have this background anxiety, or a sense of heavy sadness, for NO REASON. I've come to just accept these kinds of days, and usually I can make it through them without adjusting my day too much, but sometimes I just call in "sick" and lay in bed with Netflix.
I usually really never post anything on any website, but I would really love to have a place to just vent and rant. I always feel as though I'm never allowed to talk about my problems, mental illness isn't something that people can relate easily to. Sneezing, coughing, a sprained ankle or broken leg are all easy to visualize, easy to imagine, easy to relate to. People can see you and go: you're hurting and I understand. I can't expect that when I'm having unwanted thoughts or persistant compulsions. People either think it's a cute quirk I have or misunderstand what I'm going through. At work the last time that I had an "episode" and had bursted into tears, they mistook it as me being angry over a petty argument with a coworker. That wasn't the case -- it was just the final straw in a long string of unwanted thoughts and a sleepless night. And afterwards I feel as if my coworkers treat me differently, as if I'm unstable or just overly sensitive. I would enjoy my job if not for the feeling that I'm always left out, or always out of the loop. I want to open up about all the garbage my brain puts me through but I know my friends can't relate and I can't rely on family. But my problems feel so trivial compared to the troubles of others-- other people are having financial troubles or family problems and I feel guilty being sad at all. Other people can get through their issues alone, and its my fault for not being able to get through it. So the best thing I can do is lie and pretend things are going to get better when they just aren't. Even in the company of friends, sometimes specifically in the company of friends, I feel the worst. Things that shouldn't make me feel horrible do, and they feel so insignificant that I can't really bring myself to share with anyone. Sometimes its the wrong word said at the wrong time or sometimes its just a random thought that i don't want. The last two times I got together with friends from oit of town I ended the night sleeping in tears, gagging myself with a belt in a pathetic halfhearted mock suicide. Not a serious attempt, but enough to leave a mark. The next day, nobody noticed the red on my neck, or didn't acknowledge it. I don't know if I'm making a mistake posting any of this here, but I need to tell someone.
I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I hope you feel better soon. The pile on of emotions always gets to me. I just got over a bad week of insomnia. I didn't sleep for 3 days and hadn't slept well several days before then. It was awful. I was useless to everyone. I was irritated and clumsy at my job. I couldn't write a word. My body felt so tired, my mind was gone, but every time I laid down, I either was constantly woken up by night terrors or completely unable to sleep. And, as far as I can tell, nothing really triggered it. My PTSD just decided to flair up and be an asshole for no reason. And that's the most frustrating part to me. When I can't figure out why I can't sleep. When nothing happened for the there to be a problem. Being exhausted on top of that frustration made everything seem like the end of the world and everyone trying to help me got snapped at or brushed off. Which makes me feel like an awful person.
Thank you for sharing. Please feel free to share whenever you feel like. I read your words and felt empathy. You're writing anonymously so you don't have to worry about anything. Please keep writing.