Review: Kill Ratio

I need to preface this review with the fact that this was basically a straight-to-video movie. There was no theatrical release other than one day in LA.

I also should tell you that the entire reason I watched it was for Tom Hopper.

Merlin fans may know him as Percival. I know him as Billy Bones from /black_sails. And listen, if you ever wanted to know what a difference a decent script and director can make for an actor... watch some Black Sails and then watch this.

I don't even know where to start.

First of all, Tom Hopper is English. He has an English accent. For whatever reason they decided that James in Kill Ratio had to be American. Tom sounds weird putting on an American accent. It slips a bunch. His voice is significantly higher than it normally is.

Observe: Tom as Billy Bones:

https://youtu.be/gcYhMQwWs7Y?list=PLd5fyT5huquA8fHwU0u03uDFJusA5unSz

Tom as James:

https://youtu.be/8W0V6jktB9k?t=76

And best of all, there's no reason at all to do it. Just say he's MI6 and you're done. He can use his own accent. Why not? I can't even...

So if you can get over the fact that he sounds completely bizarre, welcome to Kill Ratio, a chamber piece action movie. The entire movie takes place inside a single 4-story hotel. It's practically a B&B. I assume they could only afford the one set.

Yes, a goverment coup is going to happen and be defeated inside a single hotel.

I can't express to you how bad the writing is. Conversations are awkward. People say ridiculous things. James is supposed to be... flippant? A little funny? None of it works. Everyone spouts cliches. Of all the things they chose to skimp money on, it probably shouldn't have been the writer.

And let's talk about "he's blue list, blue list is for operatives who are given an indefinite kill ratio." What does this mean? Ratios require two sides? What are we comparing here? If he meets 10 people can kill 1? All agents are given ratios against one another, so that for every 1 person anyone else kills, then get to kill 2 or 3, only this guy gets to kill as many as he wants, making his ratio indefinite?

It's the name of the movie and it doesn't make sense!

The acting is almost as bad as the writing. There's gratuitous... everything. Boob jiggle shots, Tom shirtless shots, "you can tell they're evil because they keep trying to rape women" shots (none of it actually happens), long awkward conversations with people who shouldn't be revealing their evil plans... Seriously, it has it all.

On the plus, side the combination of bad acting and writing is unintentionally hilarious. I'm sure I missed several zingers being too busy laughing. I almost laughed until I cried.

James is the most reluctant hero ever. At one point, I thought the president he was saving was going to turn out to be the real badass of the movie, and she kind of was. Wounded and bleeding, she pulled some miraculous saves.

The whole fate of her country rests on her getting to the 4th floor, where there's a camera crew waiting. Whoever gets to broadcast their message first wins the country!

There are guns with endless ammo. CGI cartridge casings being tossed anytime anyone pulls a trigger. You can hide behind any piece of furniture and it will protect you from bullets! And man, these baddies leave a lot of drops. Also, everyone wants to hide bodies and blood stains like the cops are coming and might discover them.

There is also...

Swordfighting.

I'm telling you, this movie could have been comedy gold. This could have been The Naked Gun. James could have just held down the trigger and had brass up to his knees, slogging through a hotel hallway to get the Ruskies. The scene where Gabrielle tries to hide evidence of a shootout is hilarious, straight up.

But I think they actually wanted to make a good movie and just failed.

I spent $4 renting this movie, and I think that was as much as anyone should ever spend to see it. If you do choose to see it, do so with a friend. Because it's not that it's not enjoyable, it's just that the movie is awful.

[/rating 2/5]

⭐ ⭐ 🔹 🔹 🔹