The intersection of being neurodivergent and also queer.
Self-care, diversified?
{Edit: Wrote a thing!}
So, I'm trying to get a little better at this self-care stuff. All the cool kids are doing it. However, based on a preliminary search and a venture into the blogosphere, it seems like all the How To Self-care guides and lists are by and for women.
I'm not a woman. I wear t-shirts and cargo trousers every day, I don't own a hairdryer, I haven't used conditioner in 10 years, I don't shave anything ever, I don't moisturise or use face masks or buy sparkly bath bombs. I literally ignore my skin and hair and they get on great. I don't drink wine, I don't enjoy movies centred on romance. I am into arty crafty stuff, but it's my main pastime and it doesn't relax me, so doing it for self-care isn't really going to help.
I mean, I am not one to put people in boxes, and for all I know the people writing all these blog posts are trans and/or nonbinary and/or some kinda queer. But whoever's writing these guides, they are really really not aimed at me.
So what's a man or a non-feminine woman or nonbinary person to do when it comes to self-care? I really want to get into taking care of myself, but I just don't know how to find any direction at all when every article assumes I feel better when I care for my skin, you know? I've been trying to find my way in this for months and I get bombarded with advice to rearrange my wardrobe or indulge in a naughty tasty treat...
Maybe helpful context: I'm nonbinary, autistic, have EDS and OCD.




I mean, I'm pretty femme, but I'm not really into skincare or romances either, so... eat something you really like, make yourself some tea/coffee/drink of your choice, shower and put on clean clothes, watch whatever kind of movie/tv show you like whether it's fluffy comedy or guns and explosions, stay the fuck in bed until you feel better, pet a cat or dog or snake or other cute pet, play a game you enjoy (something sandboxy or open-ended works better than plot-heavy stuff for me), buy yourself something small that you've wanted for a while or that you know will make you happy... I guess those are more towards the self-comfort end of the scale than basic self-care, but it sounded like that was what you were looking for anyway?
And some more EDS-specific stuff, because I have it too: make sure you've taken any pain meds you need, take a hot bath to relax any sore muscles or ligaments, get a heat pack or cold pack for any painful joints, make sure you're wearing clothing that isn't irritating your skin.
...I do not know what self-care guides you have been reading but they are not the ones I have been reading. This one by eponis on tumblr is my favorite.
Thank you, these are good thoughts! I think I might make a post of all the good suggestions and thoughts and URLs that I've received from posting here and on Twitter, sometime tomorrow. :)
Thanks /alexseanchai and /AnonHoseRufus!
I don't know if I understand what self-care is really supposed to be. My reaction when I'm having a bad time / in a bad mood / tired / overloaded / etc is to just do exactly and only what I want to do. Because trying to do anything that I don't want to do is usually what causes the problem. I don't know if I have maybe got the wrong idea about what self-care means though, because no-one else seems to say things like this when talking about it.
In my understanding, self-care is, literally and simply, taking care of yourself. If you're hungry, or if it's been long enough since you ate last that you ought to be hungry, eat. Etc.
But it doesn't so much matter what you want to do, really. I mean, of course it does matter, but if you're hungry and don't want to eat, "don't eat" is not exactly the self-caring choice here. Does that make sense?
ugh yes i feel you. especially since most "self care" advice is stuff that uses up so many spoons. or just sensory badness. like lotion?? when i'm feeling bad?? hell no.
some self-care things i do:
These are super lovely! :)
Putting my feet on a pillow and letting the blood go to my head helps me SO MUCH, it's like magic. I've since found out it's probably an EDS thing!
My friend will be making me a terrarium soon, so I can have plant babies in my bedroom all self-contained and protected from the cat. It's gonna be SO GOOD.
Thanks for sharing! :)
yeah the putting feet up thing might be dysautonomia / POTS related? i have POTS so yeah. putting my feet up relaxes me a lot, makes my heart go slower and relieves fatigue.
Yes! That's it, that's the one, POTS! It's the symptom of EDS. :) Something about, faulty collagen means your heart struggles with some weird and specific things, and so people with EDS have brainfog that's separate from fatigue...? I'm not sure. Anyway, yes, POTS.
i feel an infodump coming. i don't know how much of that stuff you already know so just in case you needed to know any of this, here's the complete infodump:
POTS often comes with EDS, but it's not a problem directly related to the heard. it's a kind of dysautonomia, that means it's a dysfunction of the autonomous nervous system.
the autonomous nervous system is responsible for things like digestion, temperature regulation, heart rate and blood pressure regulation. many people who have EDS struggle with these things. i don't know how exactly this is related to the faulty collagen (and tbh i'm not sure anyone does). but it's very common in EDS.
POTS is a specific dysfunction of the heart rate and blood pressure regulation. usually when you stand up, the blood vessels in the legs should get a signal to contract, so that all the blood doesn't pool in the legs. but because that's a function of the autonomous nervous system, which is faulty, this doesn't happen. so this would normally lead to lower blood pressure, but in POTS, the heart just beats a lot faster to make up for that.
so POTS means: when standing or even just sitting upright, the puls rate goes up. blood pressure may remain constant or even be higher when standing.
it's also associated with sudden random blood pressure drops throughout the day which leads to fatigue
That was a very welcome infodump, thank you. :) So wonder no one has ever been concerned about my blood pressure. So I guess the way to test this would be to listen to my heart rate and compare to my blood pressure when I stand up or something?
The last time I did anything involving intense exercise I passed out and my face went blue until someone laid me on the floor and put my feet up - is that like anything you've experienced with POTS?
yes exercise intolerance is common with POTS too.
a way to test POTS is to measure pulse rate after lying down for 10 minutes, and then when standing over 30 minutes. there are smartphone apps that can measure pulse rate quite accurately, or you can just use a stopwatch and count how many heartbeats you have in a minute.
how high the resting pulse is is different in each person. it's POTS when the heart rate goes up by 30 beats per minute or more upon standing.
however it does not always to that, it's a variable condition. when i stand, my heart rate is always going up and down, sometimes it's 100, sometimes it's 130, then 100 again, so measuring several times over at least 10 minutes (as long as you don't faint) is important.
though this is only a rough test, the proper test for this is a tilt table test, where the results are usually way more extreme.
for the definition and diagnosis of POTS, only the heart rate is relevant, the blood pressure effects are just secondary
Thank you, this is helpful. :) I will talk to my doctor about these things and see what happens.