A community for polyamorous people and those that are curious about it.
New to Poly Stuff
Hey there!
I'm a lesbian who's only ever been in monogamous relationships with women. About a month ago, I picked up with a woman who describes herself as pansexual and polyamorous. She has me (her girlfriend) and a boyfriend I haven't met yet (but who, I think, I'd like to meet, and maybe be friendly with if he's amicable to the idea). We're her first romantic / sexual relationships.
Initially polyamory kind of weirded me out, but as I'm reading more about it (mostly from More than Two and the news articles here), a lot of it... I wouldn't say 'clicks' for me, but intrigues and engages me as opposed to repulsing me. It absolutely used to; I was used to thinking of non-monogamy in the context of hookups (which don't interest me) or in the last gasps of relationships where I've felt trapped and unhappy.
My girlfriend has been really, truly fantastic and inclusive about it- she makes it so overt that she cares about me and that she wants me in her life and in the loop that it's hard to feel any negative way about our situation. I embarked on this by treating it a little like a science experiment- she is so special, and I don't want to end our relationship unless I'm really, really sure I can't possibly do it, and so I'm going to give it enough time to get an idea of what this kind of arrangement is really like- but so far it's been okay, uncomfortable in personal-growth sorts of ways but okay. I don't know if I myself am polyamorous- I don't feel like I have time or energy for another partner besides my girlfriend, at least right now- but I guess I already am, if I'm arranging my life to accomodate both her and her time with my metamour.
In talking about it in passing with my friends, I'm kind of surprised that Polyamory is still treated with the stigma it is- lots of "Oh, I could never do that." and "Is she sure that's what she wants?" I remember coming out in high school, and I only rarely got those sorts of questions- telling people I'm in a poly relationship feels as fraught as coming out anew.
Mainly I'm making this post looking for community, I guess. I thought I had questions, but they're mostly resolving themselves, every time I am honest and vulnerable with my partner. The poly people I know in real life... don't seem to do it very well, to put it bluntly, and live in the centers of drama-maelstroms that I don't really think I want to navigate, so I'd kind of like to get to know some folks who also arrange their lives this way.
Thanks for reading.




Glad to hear you're doing well with it so far! I can imagine it is a confusing journey, especially if one has had rather negative views of non-monogamy in the past. It sounds like you and your girl are both doing your best to create something really lovely, and I wish you the best of luck with it!
Thank you!!
Hi there! Figuring this shit out can be confusing, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing by reading up and keeping an open mind.
Stigma does indeed suck - I was really shocked when the subject came up in conversation with my coursemates a couple of times and the reaction was always "That's just cheating", "Why would anyone want that?", etc. And whenever I talk about it in non-poly online spaces people leap to the conclusion that it's just about using people for sex, or feel the need to jump in just to tell me "I could never do that"... hopefully things will get better as the mainstream catches on to our existence.
I hope you manage to find some likeminded folks who aren't drama maelstrom-y. There is one guy in particular in my web (distant enough that I don't have to bother with him much, thankfully) who is like that and drags people into his bullshit every so often, so I've seen that kind of thing in motion and it's pretty unpleasant. But the vast majority of poly people I know are reasonable and actively try to communicate properly and avoid that shit. We're out there, I promise!
Haha, I hope so! I'm kind of excited for the connections and the opportunities this opens up for me.
I know well the drama maelstrom. :D I try to stay away from it!
Me, I have a long-distance girlfriend in another country, and a sort of on-again-off-again girlfriend a few hours away who's also married. We're pretty comfy with the on-again-off-again nature of the relationship, I think. I'm a pretty solo person, and me and my girlfriend in another country talk almost every day and see each other every 2-4 months or so.
It sounds like things are going pretty well for you so far. I'm glad you're happy with your girlfriend and things are working out.
The stigma is my least favourite. I once worked for someone who asked me when I told them, "but how can you have fulfilling sex with your partner if you're having sex with other people?" I'm like, er, they're not in the room watching me...? I could equally feel sad for them, that the only way they can have fulfilling sex is if they can't ever love anyone else. You get so many weird and awful and intrusive and presumptuous questions when you're openly non-monogamous. Eesh.
But it's still completely worth it. I have never even had a monogamous relationship, I just never understood why I would want that. Which is not to say it's not had its ups and downs, but I think they're not any better or worse than monogamous ups and downs. :)
Thanks for the reply! I feel like the distance thing is what's making this easier- her boyfriend / my metamour goes to school a few hours away, and so visits for them are occasional and on weekends. He (I'm told, through my partner) has multiple partners as well, which makes me feel... a little bit better, I guess; I spend way more time with her in comparison, and he's expressed to her that he's a little jealous (but I don't know if that was jokey-jealous or actually-hurt-jealous, and I don't interact with him directly to ask).
Hmmm, hopefully everyone can feel their feelings and be compassionate, if your metamour is indeed properly jealous. That sucks that they can't spend as much time together as he'd like. :(
My other-country girlfriend had a boyfriend until quite recently, and I was just sad that I couldn't spend as much time with her as I wanted. But when they broke up I was still like "noooooo". She did love him very much, even if the relationship was not as healthy as maybe it could/should have been. I think the door is still open to him, if he's willing to work on it, but I don't know how likely it is they can make it work!
Yeah. I asked her about it today (as in: is there anything I can do to make this easier for you two?) she said it's mostly a scheduling thing, but that she wants to arrange it so we can all meet / hang out.
What do you do when your partner's other relationship isn't healthy? That must be so stressful.
Hmmmm, let me think how to describe this. I guess I did what I would do if she weren't my girlfriend - I treat it like it's none of my business, and I offer a listening ear and empathy, and if she asks for help or advice I give it and try to be non-biased by thinking about how I would ideally handle it if I were in the same situation. And if there's nothing I can do, I try to take care of myself in the ways that I take care of myself when I'm hurting for someone I care deeply about - self-care mode, basically! Snuggle under a duvet and watch Rizzoli and Isles and do some cross-stitch, at the moment.
It was pretty stressful, yes. But I wouldn't say more stressful than if she was a friend or a close family member who was in a relationship that was causing her hurt.
I see, I see. I think it's interesting how certain aspects of poly relationships are so different from monogamous ones- you couldn't comfort someone through a breakup if the breakup was by necessity with you. Lots to think about and maybe unlearn.