The diaries of a band of misfits sharing a single body.
The Mathematics of Trust
So in another social circle we frequent, Mel and someone else were writing out mock math equations for different social things, like the components that make up a relationship--(trust+communication) joy/frustration, according to him. It got me to thinking about my own ways in which I process relationships.
I've known for a long time that I don't regard most people as inherently good. In fact, most people I don't know well I tend to view as neutral people who haven't proven themselves irreversibly shitty yet. Sometimes, this can morph into absolute hypervigilance and become costly, but for the most part it's proven beneficial.
I'm not the most social individual out there, but very few people in my immediate circles have proven themselves irreversibly shitty in my mind--which is a good thing. That being said, I'm not particularly easygoing, forgiving, or lenient to the very few people who manage to trip my wire.
I sort of envy Mel, having lived in a world of business deals and international treaties--he's gotten used to shaking hands with the devil. I on the other hand... I guess the best I can describe it is as a percentage based system, almost like something out of the Sims. People I don't know start at 50%, and go up or down (usually) in increments between two and five for minor day to day interactions, sometimes as high as ten for major ones.
Abject displays of shittiness, such as blatant hostility or controlling and abusive behaviour, can knock a person down as much as 30% in one go. When my trust in a person plummets, it's not easy to regain either--for every 10% lost, expect another 20% worth of positive interactions to make up for the hit, if my trust in you is still salvageable. Once I reach 10% trust with someone, or lower, that's the dead zone, and the relationship has a snowball's chance in hell of being recovered. At this point I'll completely cut them out of my life if possible or avoid them by any means necessary--do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. If I feel that someone is particularly dangerous, I'll distance myself even before they hit that point to spare myself additional hardship. In the event A and B aren't possible, my stubborn streak kicks in, and I do whatever possible to minimize damage done to ourselves and others--an area where Mel and I compliment each other.
This may sound strict, and it is. In fact, it can be more than a little unfair to those who are unaware that I operate this way. But at the same time... it's better to be away from abusers/"bullies" (abusers) than it is to give them a crash course in my personal boundaries and the quickest ways they can shit on them. If they weren't naturally inclined to operate within them and not be blatantly shitty and cruel, I don't see why I should put up with a facade where they manually check every point on the list with the goal of doing things "right" for my sake, which usually isn't really for my sake anyway.
Most non shitty people can reach 70% in about a week of genuinely friendly interactions. I say genuine here because false friendliness is easy to spot if you know what to look for.
On the more positive flip side, there's things like love and friendship. Friendship maxes out at around 90% on the scale, and if I stay good friends with someone I'm not romantically invested in that's usually where it hovers (a nicer version of the lower half's "dead zone"). Romantic love involves a number of factors other than trust I won't get into here, but partners I genuinely love--rather than stay with for arbitrary reasons--stay at about 95-98% at any given time.
This scale is ever changing, and nobody stays at 100% forever. Only one person in my life so far has ever reached it, and if someone does, it's a bittersweet milestone, but I won't get into that either.
Of course, it feels ridiculously clinical, but this is the system that works for me. Marty's given up on trusting anyone with anything, and while I may not trust anyone except for a blessed few not to eventually be shitty, I like to think I'm above living in a basement and stewing in my own misanthropy. And I'm not like the dragonslayer either, where he'd just take everything at face value and ALWAYS try to see the good in people, or like Mel who tiptoes around dangerous people for a cause (for the most part). I'm the product of an environment and people I've learned to contantly assess and re-assess the safety of, but maybe it's for the best.



