All things to do with relationships. Date ideas, comfort advice, or just wanting to share your feelings.
Scared, help!
I've been chatting with this guy I met online. I'm just worried about trying to go farther than friendship. It's not that I don't want a romantic relationship, but it is still a pretty big plunge to take. He does say that he's willing to accept my being atheist and a slasher. That's all I really wanted in a potential boyfriend. But there are a few obstacles along the way-I can't help but think my dad would disapprove (the guy I'm talking with is black, I'm white). I'm not entirely sure when I should voice my concerns to him. Any advice for me?




I'm sorry this is scaring you! Relationships are haaaard.
I think you should tell your crush about your father's issues with race - you don't need to spell out "if we dated he might be upset", but it would be good for your crush to be aware of this. Then once he knows what he's "getting into", he can choose if he's okay with that.
Other thoughts-
Yes, I do live with my father. He's said some bigoted comments in the past. Then again, I got tired of trying to conform to his expectations of me. The race thing has me a bit worried that I wouldn't develop genuine feelings, that I'd be doing this to piss off dad. The thing is that I'm thinking this guy may be too good to be true, with accepting me, you know? But I am happy that I have someone to talk to. That or I'm trying to sabotage myself again...I have a sick need to wreck things when I'm getting too comfortable. I'll try discussing this with my therapist.
I think ... I think that if you're dating someone romantic type feelings of some kind should already be there?
Idk - I've just haven't had them develop after dating starts myself, I had a little kinda pre-crushe first (or, to be fair, absolutely no feelings develop of any kind and you spend two years wasting your time on 'eh' so ...)
Like YMMV but I think you shouldn't date someone just because they meet one or two list items and the love might come later, you know?
Call me a romantic but I think something about them should already excite you and from what you've said so far I'm not sure he excites you.
Definitely bring it up w your therapist though - they know you way better than a bunch of randos on the net :)
I dunno, I think it's fine to go on a few dates with someone without necessarily having strong feelings for them and see how it goes - especially if you've never met in person before. It depends on what OP means by "genuine feelings" as well - like, some people use that to mean any feelings at all, others use it to refer to being in love with someone... it's pretty subjective. So long as they're not signing on for a committed relationship right away, I don't see the harm in dipping a toe in the water and seeing if feelings develop.
I agree - I've had one relationship where I didn't have feelings for the person before starting to date her, and it was meh because it turned out we weren't compatible at all. I'm more the "crush on my best friend for half a year and wait for them to say something" type though, this might be different for other people!
You said "he might be too good to be true". Do you think that nobody else is going to accept you as you are? I'm not being flippant here, I know the feeling. And I'm sorry that you seem to be surrounded by people who don't understand you. But I still think that you and this guy can't be the only atheists/atheist-accepting people your age in this city, and the fact that he's willing to accept you should not be the only reason why you're starting a relationship, in my opinion. If he excites you and makes you happy, that's cool, date away! But if this is a combination of settling for what you have and pissing off your father on purpose, I wouldn't do it.
Also, would your father likely be violent towards you or your boyfriend? In that case I'd vote for either not dating the dude at all or doing it in secret, and definitely telling the dude beforehand what he's getting into. It's not your fault that your dad is racist, but if you pull this friend into your dad's attention, you need to warn your friend.
Talking to your therapist is a good idea! :)
@PolyMuppet: that's true, people can do this very differently. Disclaimer, I'm from Europe, and US dating culture is very different from what I'm used to. :D
~head desk~
Sorry - that might have been an ace!moment.
Between that and a strong preference for long-term stability I tend to pick from among a pool of pre-existing friends and acquaintances - ideally I'll already have some base ideas of compatibility and interest. I forget that sometimes people do the casual-date thing with essential strangers.
In which case ... if it's someone you don't know hugely well ... maybe give it a whirl?
But only if he actually makes you happy - not just because you don't think you can do better. As someone who's been there - big mistake.
Oh yeah, definitely agree that going for someone because you don't think anyone else will have you is a recipe for a bad time.