Sunday morning thoughts on a Monday

I had this discussion with myself on twitter, which was too long and blah blah blah, so I'm going to talk about it here.

My tweets: Trying to figure out how to be less sentimental about things. Failing miserably. Husband and boys being home hampering brain. Part of the problem is I lack the visual ability to create something small out of a lot of things - a scrapbook or something as a memory Also connecting things to people/events that mean things to me, and not wanting to lose that piece of time/myself/them .I have an extra-extra large wedding dress. Do I need it? No. But how do you sell/give that away when you're still married? Do I need my dried (and kinda stinky) wedding bouquet? No. Does my husband care? Probably not. AND YET. I have a lot of stuffed animals. Do I need them? No. But I can tell you what I was doing when I bought/got each one. Am I going to do something with my Harry Potter lego (not in box)? No. I binge and purge and I know better, but I can't create things, so imbue things I buy with meaning instead. People always tease me for going overboard with gifts and baking, but that's how I can show love/appreciation/friendship because I can't create.

It was pointed out to me that baking is creating, but it's ephemeral and it's something I give away and don't keep for myself. I go overboard with presents (and make people uncomfortable, so this is something I'm working on), because I can't make things - or things I make, like my photo cards, aren't personalized. I pride myself on giving gifts that fit the person their for, and maybe that pride is part of the problem as well. But - like when Beckett comes here in concert or to a house show - I give him something because I don't have the ability to say thank you in a personal way. He gets paid for them each time he does one. He gets hugs each time he does one and, while I can't say how much those mean to him, I want there to be something of ME in the house show he does for me. Maybe he throws them away after he gets them, but my part is done, and I can pretend or hope that maybe it's something that makes him happy or makes him laugh.

The same goes for my friends. Maybe the things I give them don't mean to them what they mean to me, or what I think they might mean to them, but I try and say something with each gift - that I remember something that means something to them, that I thought about them, that I found something they like that I think will make them happy, and it means so much to ME when I get it right. Making people happy is a THING that I have.

the thing is that, by thinking that way about what I give, I also think that way about what I receive. So everything has a person attached. a time, a place, an event. I can't remember when things happened, but I can remember what was happening based on something. And I know other people don't feel that way. I know that so-and-so wouldn't care that I got rid of the autograph book I got in third grade (but my dad autographed it and teased me about the boy I liked "Chuckie-poo" and told me not to marry him too soon.) And that's my dad's graduation certificate. And that stuffed animal I got when I was joking with <lj user=nolivingman> and <lj user=inlovewithnight> about Ioan's movie 'Happy Now'.

The "Big Trouble in Little China" figures remind me of my sister and watching it together, and now also of <lj user=poisontaster>. I don't know how to hold onto the memory without the physical reminder.

Anyway, now I'm upset at myself and my brain and want to just throw everything away. So there's that. Maybe that's what I need to do. Start over. Start fresh. Get rid of things that meant something more at the time than they do now. What matters is the moment, I guess, and if the memory ceases to be there for me, maybe that's how it's supposed to go.

(also I didn't think about it at first, but Bayliss and his obsession over Adina fits in with this kind of well) (though this comment makes no sense on Imzy or DW)