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how to talk about sex like we talk about being hungry
most days I have a conversation with my wife that goes—Are you hungry? —Yes, I'm famished —no, I just ate —I'm feelin' snacky etc. etc. I feel like it could be very useful to apply the lessons in this neat talk about using ordering pizza as a metaphor for sex and consent and have similar check-ins about our libidos. but I'm having trouble coming up with the same depth of vocabulary. Horniness and arousal don't seem to have the same range of nuance that runs from stuffed to peckish to starving. Or maybe there are words and I just don't know, that's what I need your help with.
1 what to ask? I don't like 'are you horny?' it's so Austin Powers. I wish there was something more nuanced—a more general check in that can set the mood for the night
2 how to respond? What are some good words or expressions that convey a full range of arousal and down-ness from 'not interested' to 'I'm game if you are' to 'please, please, please, yes!'
3 any other ideas or communication techniques that you find helful for this kid of conversation. Thanks :)




Me and hubby just say, "You wanna?" It generally hasn't been hard to have the breadth of vocabulary about it, once we got over the initial, "It feels WEIRD to talk about squishy bits." The 'you wanna?' is just a prelim to then go into HOW. We've been together long enough that we can be pretty laidback and just have the conversation like we would anything else.
"I want you to wear that really pretty sundress while I fuck you from behind." "Ooh, I'm down for bottoming, but not femme. Unless I'm topping, would that be good?" "Sure! That sounds great!"
We talk about the variations pretty similarly. "I could go for sex, but I don't want to come this time," or, "I could go either way," or, "sex, sure, but let's do it fast and easily because it's late and I'm tired," or, "YOU BED NOW."
Me and bf haven't been together as long, and he was used to the whole silent cruise of death method of getting laid, so it's taken him some practice to talk openly about he wants. He's definitely getting more communicative, which is nice, because I can't decode a cruise for shit. (And I think he's still a little taken aback, that I'll just be like, "I don't want to come, just suck you off, you down for that?")
As with all things, education and practice make perfekt (or at least as close as one can reasonably get).
I don't think there's really a magic bullet here...no one euphemism or pattern of discourse that's going to work for everyone. Everyone is subtly different in both their natural and developed inclinations, openness, et cetera, so what works for one may not for another at any given point in time. It often varies within the individual from day to day, whether simply with changes in mood or just to keep things novel.
One thing I've found, at least for myself, is that it is often easier to communicate in text. It helps dodge the more skittish, irrationally emotional hangups by giving the time to think through and plan out how to say something specific or articulate something one doesn't have the right words for right at hand.
Being able to take a step back, take stock of yourselves and what you know and need to know of each other, can help you and your partner plan, as it were, your orders and choices of topping. Build the language of love (and lust) that speaks to you, you know?
That might sound like it cuts into spontaneity, which is something I know is important to a lot of folks, but it doesn't have to. I'd argue that it is, in truth, very much worth knowing what you and your partner are willing to, in effect, consent to 'in advance' with one another, if anything. Establishing well-understood modes of non-verbal communication can do a lot here for helping route around linguistic hangups without relying solely on experimentation and assumption.
So that's my thoughts, I suppose. My apologies if it doesn't exactly answer your questions...my own vocabulary tends to be either staid and forthright ("I'm feeling oddly libidinous.") or extremely idiosyncratic ( http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20050523 ). I think it's more important for individuals to have a process by which they can arrive at and can from their own vocabulary than it is to borrow bits directly, though it can certainly be useful and...educational...to explore around and see what's out there in the wild.