Come discuss sexuality in a sex-positive, body-positive, consent-driven, LGBTQ+-friendly environment.
A language confusion
I was recently at a con where there was a group discussion about strap-ons, and people kept talking about topping and bottoming. This threw me a little, because it didn't seem to match the BDSM terminology I've been used to - where the top is someone with more control, I guess? What really threw me was when Iwas asking whether someone can top while lying down on their back and someone else is on top of them, and it caused much confusion!
So now I'm wondering about terminology. Have I got it right? Who's the top and who's the bottom in BDSM and in strapping on?




I'm familiar with "top" and "bottom" as fannish terminology from bad slash erotica fanfic. (Okay, yes, and sometimes really good slash erotica fanfic, but.) Strictly speaking it just means "penetrator" and "penetratee", but there's a whole stereotype to go with each term that is distressingly like the stereotypes that go with "masculine" and "feminine" respectively.
No, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. (Especially since some people do the "switch" thing, which means sometimes they top and sometimes they bottom!)
I'm not actually in the BDSM community so I could be wrong but from what I understand from extensive lurking (heh) dom/sub and top/bottom are actually two separate dualities. While not as common, you can be a dom who bottoms or a sub who tops. I'm sure someone more experienced will have a more detailed answer.
So I've been using the words wrong, it sounds like! D/s for control, and top-bottom for who's using a cock or cock-like appendage?
Thinking aloud, it seems strange that the person with the cock or the strap-on is called a top. It's weirdly hierarchical. :/ Especially as you are not necessarily physically on top.
Enh, top/bottom originated with gay men--tops preferred to be the one penetrating, and bottoms the one being penetrated, if you did anal sex. (Or versatile for both.) Not necessarily the ones who run the fuck--my boyfriend's a hell of a power bottom, and with him, I'm a very subby top.
Because BDSM originated within the gay male subculture, top and bottom became part of the BDSM terminology for who's doing what to who. And the hierarchy is VERY intentional; in the old school leathermen communities, everyone started as a bottom. You had to GRADUATE to tophood. (I don't personally AGREE with that hierarchy, but that's where it came from.)
So, for example, if my husband is domming, he can be the one tying me up (ergo, he's topping for the rope gig), or he can be in charge of making me tie HIM up. (Thus, he would be bottoming and domming.)
But this seems to fuck with people, so a lot of people equate being in charge/doing the thing/being the one sticking a penis in someone else all as the same thing, when it's really not.
AHHHHH this is so helpful! Thank you very much! It sounds like basically everyone in the strap-on discussion i was in didn't get the full context of the terms, but this all makes so much sense now. :)
Yeah, it's kinda messy and I don't agree with all the baggage behind it, but imperfect people make imperfect language.
Also why there's confusion around the term 'topping from the bottom,' since some folks take it to mean, 'the partner being penetrated is physically on top,' and others take it to mean, 'my bottom is not acting bottomy enough AND THIS UPSETS ME.'
Which is it?? :o
Both, depending what company you're in. :p Which is why I don't use the term at all. (The former because it's confusing--for god's sake, I'll just say I'm riding him-- and the latter because it just actively makes me mad.)
Reasonable!
I always thought 'topping' was when you were just focusing on giving pleasure to your partner, and/or being the more active partner. But from reading the comments, it seems like it has more to do with gender roles than I thought?
I wish it was the way you have been thinking of it! I really don't like the gender roles and the implication of dominance that comes with "top" just because someone has or is wearing a dick. I really like when my sex isn't sexist!
I think the terms are used differently in different communities. In strapping-on (commonly referred to as "pegging" by the young people these days), as with in gay anal sex, "topping" refers to the penetrator, and "bottoming" refers to the penetratee.
I believe the reason for having terms for this in those scenarios is that the question, "Do you like to be penetrated anally?" is usually more divisive than, "Do you like to be in a position of dominance or submission?"
I thought pegging was specifically a woman strapping on to penetrate her male partner - fairly sure lesbians and bisexual women aren't thought to be pegging, right?
You're right. I don't know if "top" and "bottom" are used in that way in those contexts either.
What about bisexual anal sex? :P
I don't know if I've heard it used when the recipient is a woman, but I also don't know how much I've encountered people talking about that scenario. I haven't gotten the impression it would be inappropriate, but whether it's in common usage I have no idea.
I seem to have caused a misunderstanding. It's a thing I'm persnickety about - if two men have anal sex together, but they're both bisexual, it's not gay sex because neither of them are gay!
Your response, then, is strange - because it seems to assume bisexual = female.
my understanding is this: top: people inserting something (call it penis, strap on dildo, plain dildo, etc) bottom: people receiving said something
it applies to gay sex, sex with strap on, etc., in bdsm when someone is more in control they are the dom, and the other is the sub
and i guess you can top while lying down on your back, as long as you're still being the one penetrating? (i'm also guessing this is from where the term 'bossy bottom' came? since you're still recieving, but are on top of someone, usually have more 'power' -- not necessarily in a bdsm sense, though it can be)