Decisions

Decisions

Here's hoping Washington doesn't drag their feet. I was open and honest about everything going on with my office and I told them I'd like to remain until there until the end unless it just wasn't doable. Already told them I thought I'd need 30-40 days to get moved, repeated this.

Not sure what's going to happen, but if they do decide not to select me, I need to know so I can put a concrete decision on whether to just say fuck it and move out there anyway or go down to Atlanta.

I could move out there anyway since I'd be funding my own move. Wouldn't have a job waiting on me though, so this could prove horrible if I'm unable to find work. I think I'd be able to find something I could survive on, but I thought the same about Chattanooga and it turned out to be a shitshow. I'm assuming Washington state isn't as bad though and not entirely built off forcing wages down and temporary work. Also, moving out there without being connected to my company means I could relocate wherever, not just in the Puyallup area.

Moving to Atlanta would be easier, in theory. I know there's a slot there for me and the company would give me $2500 moving assistance I wouldn't have to pay back unless I left the company completely before completing a year. It would mean remaining in the south and relocating to arguably the largest city in it. Atlanta has anything any other large city has, pros and cons, and I'm not familiar with living in a large city, but I'm sure I could adapt. Also, I've read Atlanta is more progressive than the rest of the state, depending on which pocket of it you reside, but it's still a staunch red state. If the Washington office doesn't pan out and they let me know in time, I could relocate to Atlanta and continue applying to positions on the West Coast in hopes of landing one, but a part of me thinks this would be wasted time. As one of my non-gurus says, "There's no gold watch any more," or something to that effect. You get the meaning.

I know what I want to do, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Part of me wants to gather up the things I want to keep and just leave the rest when I go and let the landlord and neighbors sort it out. Not sure if this is legal though or if they can send me a bill for it or whatever. The idea of trying to find a way to get rid of this stuff irritates me.

Normally, I don't do regrets because they're a waste of time and you can't change the past, but this year isn't just about change: it's about awakening and becoming fully self-aware. I do have regrets. Loads of them and I carry them along with the rest of my baggage. It's sobering and heartbreaking to think it's taken me twenty years to understand certain things. Feels like I'm a broken play through realized only after putting hours into the game. Sadly, I don't have a reset or an earlier save. I don't get a do-over.

The last bit ties into a lot of other stuff, most of which I only hint at on FB and Twitter. Eventually, I'll stop devoting fucks to keeping it vague and come out with it, literally, but for now I'm still confused, and scared, and worry about the losses I'll suffer. The sad part is I'm not convinced I'll suffer any, but I keep the lid on. I guess it's easier suffering alone in silence than the prospect of being vocal and discovering no one cares. Reminds me of my younger cousin standing on his front porch screaming out towards the trees, only the echo of his voice responding. Not sure what he was yelling at in this memory and it doesn't matter. It speaks for itself where my fears are concerned.

Eventually, somehow, things will be different. I don't know if I'll finally know what being happy is, or what having friends means, or living actually involves, but things will be unlike they are now. I wonder if I'll still feel trapped. It's been so long. One bind shrugged itelf off, but the freedom I felt was brief. All of this feels like I'm living someone else's life still, wearing their clothes, tending their business, and sitting among all of their stuff. I wonder if this will change or if I'm trapped like this forever as punishment for wasting my potential, my talent, and my life. I want so much to go back to the little person I was back then, hold them close, and tell them they matter. I'd tell them to tell the world to go fuck itself and leave as soon as possible. To never look back. Somewhere out there I think there's an alternate reality where this happened. It makes me smile thinking about it.

Tomorrow, November begins and along with it the trek towards this chapter closing. I'm not sure where the story will end up, but I hope it's a happy ending and a better beginning. Sooner or later, we all get a win, right?

Right?