Conversation, brain dumpings, random nonsense, and the occasional point...
Questions
What do you do when you want to transform, but you don't know how? When you want to alter yourself, your situation, or your future and every bit of research and soul searching you do confuses, distracts, and discourages you? What do you do when you think you've finally discovered the trail leading toward happiness, but twenty years too late? How do you change and is it possible?
My youth is gone. It died starved, lonely, and wasted along with my potential. Some tell me time remains, but what if the freshness and energy of youth is needed in order to pursue this course? Even if I found my way and understood, I wouldn't be the me I could've been. I failed that version of myself and let it fade like everything else. Maybe this is my punishment for not being strong enough to refuse the traps and the demands of others who cared nothing about my betterment or my wishes, my hopes for who and what I could become, what I needed to be. Then, I only had an inkling, but after hearing how less than I was, how Other I was, how pathetic and unintelligent I was, I caved in upon myself and withdrew and I lost it all. Now, I realize the extent of it.
Often, I visualize this lost version of myself. My face is brighter, happier, prettier. My body isn't worn and beaten down by years of neglect and toiling away in thankless work. I am healthy. Perhaps I have someone who loves me, this real me, maybe several. And I create and I have purpose.
I will never be able to atone for betraying this version of myself with my inaction and cowardice.



