A space for women and girls to share their experiences and perspectives
Anyone else "gave in" to sex even though they didn't want it?
Not the author of below but it had a real impact on me. I have included the link to the full article below but wanted to pull out the key points.
There is idea that sex can be divided into two broad categories: capital R Rape (which is monstrous, criminal, and should be severely punished by the legal system) and normal, chill sex, which is obviously consensual and with which no woman should ever have a problem.
But missing from this dichotomy are the scores of “not rape” violations, and acts that might best be described as “sexual microaggressions”—small acts of boundary-pushing and coercion that might be easy enough to brush off in isolation, but in aggregate teach women that their bodily autonomy is revocable, and that violations of their boundaries and sense of safety aren’t just tolerable, but utterly and completely normal.
There was the boy I dated the summer before college who insinuated that I’d get dumped if I didn’t put out (and then dumped me anyway after pressuring me into a blowjob). The college boyfriend who continued to rub ice on my vulva even after I told him I didn’t like it and didn’t think it felt good. The multiple men who treated my desire for safer sex as a negotiable request, rather than a mandate, repeatedly badgering me to soften my stance and let them get their way, my sense of safety be damned. The on-again-off-again hookup who invited me to share his bed—just to sleep, I was assured—only to proceed to have sex with me even after multiple nos.
In retrospect, so much of sex in my twenties was a death by a thousand cuts for my sense of bodily autonomy—a series of assaults and violations that rendered me pliable to the desires of men.
One of the reasons it took me so long to open up about my negative experiences with men was that, for years, I assumed I was alone. I’d grown up hearing that “no means no,” and that smart women are upfront about their needs and obviously walk away from anyone who refuses to respect their boundaries. I assumed that I was the only one weak enough to let my desire for intimacy and affection fuel a tolerance for sex I didn’t quite want, in ways I didn’t want it. I assumed that being badgered into sex, or “consenting” due to sheer exhaustion, was a personal problem.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
While writing this story, I heard from a number of different women who’d had sexual experiences that weren’t quite rape, but didn’t feel completely consensual either.
A woman whom I’ll call Anna, told me about the first time she had sex. Although things started consensually—“I had recently been feeling some anxiety over not having had a lot of sexual experiences yet, and so was feeling excited and a little bit daring about finally getting to”—her enthusiasm began to fade as her partner failed to live up to her expectations. At first he tried to penetrate her without a condom, and though he stopped and put one on at her request, the subsequent sex was painful, unpleasant, and bloody. “My body language was telegraphing pain/discomfort/disinterest, since I stopped showing enthusiasm or reciprocation,” Anna says. But her partner didn’t seem to notice or particularly care.
Anna doesn’t feel raped, but she can’t deny that the experience impacted her deeply. To this day, her sexual experiences are marred by a fear that she won’t be able to advocate for herself or properly assert her own boundaries. “I’ve wondered for years why I didn’t say anything when I stopped enjoying it, and why I let him continue.”
The answer to Anna’s question may lie in the experiences of other women. Marie, who, like Anna, requested anonymity, shared multiple stories of saying no to sex, being asked again, saying no another time, being asked again, and then eventually saying yes—even though her lack of desire remained unchanged. “I don’t want to disappoint people,” she says. “I especially don’t want to disappoint people in a sexual context. If I say no, someone getting upset, acting hurt, being disappointed, and asking again can easily make me say yes”
Full article: http://fusion.net/story/341098/men-rape-sexual-aggression-consent/




I believe this is the experience of almost all women. It's certainly mine and I personally know four other women who have similar experiences.
Personally, I think that consent by bullying / coercion is still rape
I'm so happy you wrote about this. It happened to me so many times.
I wish I wrote it but I didn't, although it perfectly encapsulate how I feel. And the funny thing is, I'm a very, very sexually confident person. But I suppose my desire to be "good, giving and game" led to feeling pressured into doing things I was not comfortable doing. Or just giving in and relenting when someone pushed and pushed and pushed.
The author is: Lux Alptraum from Fusion: http://fusion.net/story/341098/men-rape-sexual-aggression-consent/
Thanks! I've never seen anyone else write about it and people usually don't get it when I'm trying to talk about it.. This article is helpful!
I know a lot of people will argue that all that less-than-enthusiastically-consensual "inbetween" sexual experiences count as rape, but i agree that it feels different than black and white, rape vs sex. And i think all women have experienced this. I am pissed i let so many guys get away with so much that i didn't really want, if only because it reinforces, to them, that they can get away with it. that they can just keep going or that their so-called persuasion works. I remember thinking "the quickest and easiest way out of this tunnel is to just go through it." and now they're off to do the same to other women without any suspicion that it isn't ok.
Beautifully expressed, and absolutely agree.
(I guess a trigger warning for mentions of rape in this comment would be redundant given the entire nature of this topic, but just in case...)
Yes. The time in question for me happened after I had been raped twice in the 5 years prior. This particular time, despite saying "no" and "I don't want to" and "I want you to go home now" god only knows how many times, when I gave in and relented (without actually saying "yes" or "okay") was simply because I felt cornered and wanted to avoid another violent attack. He was a coworker, I'd just started a new job, I was new to the city and I didn't want to make any trouble, etc etc... But because of the lack of violence it was not until a couple of years later that I finally realised that it also constituted rape.
I feel like universally there is a distinct lack of decent education on this kind of topic, and a distinct normalisation of the idea that if you nudge a "shy" and "reluctant" woman often enough she will give in, and that that is acceptable.
Thank you for sharing. I have had a similar experience. And you're right, the people that do this, I wonder, do they know how awful it is, or do they push the blame onto us because we didn't resist enough? I have a son and when he's old enough, I am going to have lots of discussions with him about enthusiastic consent.