A community for discussion, sharing, and critical thinking on kinky topics.
Negotiation meta script and consent issues
As a general rule/in the scene/etc, the way I tend to see kink interactions conceptualized etc goes something like:
Decide you want to play together -> Negotiation -> Play
This meta script feels to me like it isn't very good at dealing with incompatibility. Outside of immediately apparent things or some prior way of having gotten information about the other person, negotiation seems to be the part where you'd find out about incomplatibitilies. However, the meta script doesn't feel like it really leaves room for that - I don't usually see examples of people running into incompatibiltiy in negotiation and thus deciding not to do things together after all, etc.
This feels like it connects to scene stuff about there being a 'normal' way of doing things, and lack of sufficient recognition of how different people can be and of incompatibility.
It also, to me, feels like it ends up pressuring - if I don't have ways of saying 'oh, no, it looks like this isn't going to work' that feel not-bad, and if I don't have confidence that my partner would say that, then this ends up as a situation where it's more likely that at least one person will be doing things they don't like/want. (And due to domism, in my experience this tends to be/there's expectation that this will be the sub or bottom).
Does anyone else have any thoughts/experiences/anything with this? Does anyone know any examples/scripts/etc where people realized an incompatibility during negotiation and proceeded to not do things (without this being seen as Bad etc)?




I think I see a missing step.
What is the previous step? How/why does one decide they want to play with another person? I mean, some ways I know are: seeing a person play with someone else, and liking their style of play; talking/chatting/getting to know someone and wanting to play with them; hearing someone practices something (e.g. fireplay) and wanting to try that, thus asking them for a demonstration.
All of these have an underlying phase of feeling there is some compatibility, then negotiating specifics. In the demo scenario, there's no power exchange, and the demo should be able to be called off at any point ("The more you tell me, the less I want to try this. Thanks for answering all my questions!")
Now, given a person doesn't wish to have pick up play only - in which the first model still takes (see others play, decide who seems compatible), I think a lot of the breaking off (at least within my local scene) takes place between scenes. That is, you meet someone, you play or date a few times, at some point you decide "this is not going to work" and you inform the other person. It isn't different than any other relationship, tbh.
In my particular monogamous case, we were not kink compatible to begin with, but we were (still are) very much in love, and we made it work via a lot of discussion and being insistent in communicating what we want.
I always start any negotiations with people who aren't my partner saying "Nothing sexual". That sometimes requires clarification, it has yet to stop anyone from playing with me (I only play with friends or my partner, anyway, though), but it could be a deal breaker for someone. If I said that and the other person were to say "Wait, what? No, I want [sexual thing]!" I'd be all like, "Sorry this can't work out, hope you find someone who suits your needs better, want to sit and chat instead?" Of course, it requires people to be able to state things they want and don't want during negotiations, or having a pre-prepared text/checklist they let potential play partners read, stating things they want and their limits.
For someone who has difficulty negotiating face to face, I'd think maybe doing it in text would help? Send a description of stuff you want and don't want, even in general terms, and asking if it looks possible (e.g. I want impact play but no humiliation, or I want degradation but no pain, or I want power exchange but no bondage, could this work for you?)
Another option could be to take a time between negotiations and play. Discuss this week, play the next, just going over what has been agreed previously. It gives people a way to back out and time to gather courage.
And obviously, just like having a scene friend who looks out for your safety & well being during play, you can have a friend who knows your essential needs and limits while negotiating - preferably one who would speak out if they saw you're uneasy. I have helped people negotiate, raising issues they've overlooked (health issues or conditions, marking).
I also think a connection to the local community - and often, s-type communities - helps people see red flags of manipulation, unsafe partners etc, and the fact there are always other options, which makes it easier to say "No" to the wrong partner. Some of them even hold regular classes on it (like SSASE's "New and nervous" monthly event). Even in my small community 15 years ago, I had friends from the scene who helped me understand and sort things.
I don't know if this is a practical, helpful reply, but I hope you can find something useful in it.