Misc thoughts 3/16

These posts seem to repeat the same subjects over and over, don't they?

Plurality doubts:
I feel like whatever plurality is supposed to be, this isn't quite it. Maybe I'm just out-of-it and experiencing enough identity crisisisisises to make it vaguely feel plural. Buuuttt I'm hoping I'm "just" in a constant state of stress due to living with parent (+ etc), and that's blurring us to the point where identities are impossible to determine, and have never had a chance to be not-blended.

I also am doubting plurality is caused primarily by the mother... I think that it's mostly autism-based, if that's a term that you, the reader, can understand? Again, that's if we're plural.

We believed that it was so because another plural told us that we were, but we were really eager to believe it and experience it. (I mean, we were doing tulpamancy prior to that, but it didn't seem to work right.)

Identities:
Names are still a big question mark, including the legal name we're in the process of changing. Nothing seems to stick. Same thing for pronouns and gender, I think. And affinities for characters. And aromantic/romantic, and so on.

Good news:
Some things have cleared up recently. There's been much less dysphoria when looking in the mirror, for instance. We have some physical energy and confidence we didn't have.

We've been finally doing our game development stuff too, though that's often very difficult when trying to work through brain muck. Still working on rekindling that habit among the beliefs that we're wasting our time.

It's easier to believe that we have value. Our writing, our caring, our amateur game projects.

Introspection:
We're trying to recognize our own ways of thinking that we wouldn't be able to easily explain or would be nervous about sharing. There's a lot of criticism of others, lack of caring for others, need for attention, making assumptions. Kind of being prepared for any friend to leave us at any time, which conflicts with sometimes feeling unique/special. Not quite feeling emotions. I think we're also kind of impressionable.
Not all bad things I think as long as we're aware of and balancing them.

Same old bad news:
Most things are as distressing as ever. The mother's voice causes misophonia, which is unfortunate because she loves hearing herself talk.
We are mostly tired and ill-rested and feel slightly gross.
We still don't know how to move out, feel okay about ourself, and not die.