Parent rant

(This is kind of a long one, and it's written half in anger and half in reflection.)

I don't get along with my mother at all. From a political standpoint, she's open minded. From a relationship standpoint, she's... untrustworthy, is closest word.

Before we began taking hormones, a year ago, we told our mom that we were doing so "to see if it helps with depression."
Immediately after being told that, without my knowing, she told her sister and a family friend that I was trans. I had to specifically ask if she had told anyone else. (I had asked my dad the same, and he had held confidence, correctly judging this was not something to spread around.)
She didn't apologize, in fact she thought I was at fault for my assumption that she wouldn't tell people.
She said her actions were for my own good, because they were for her emotional health.
She said it was fine to spread the secret because she trusted them not to tell anyone else.
She said that I was wrong to say her actions were wrong, and heavily implied that if I didn't drop the subject she would kick me out.
I suspect that she would still be angry with me if she knew that's why I still don't trust her.

I've also noticed she seems unnecessarily critical of my actions. Many small things, like: "Why are you using this burner when you could be using this burner?"
or
at 11 at night via text: "Are you sick or something? No greeting when I arrived seems pretty cold."
Though to be fair, I'm pretty critical of her, too. I'm trying to catch myself.

And the last thing is one I noticed last week: She is picky about how I phrase things. If I'm not expressing what she thinks I should be when she thinks I should be as strongly as she thinks I should be, she tells me I should've said something else.
Example:
"You forgot one of the recycling bins. That's unfortunate. Please remember next time." (her, word for word via text.)
"Did you get my text?" (her verbally, first thing she said after I woke up.)
"Oh. I didn't know we were using another one." (me verbally, paraphrased.)
"I was expecting to hear a response that shows you're feeling responsible and will address this in the future. Not a defensive response." (her verbally, paraphrased.)
"Ahh. I see." (me verbally, not giving her what she wants.)
That was thought-provoking.


And...
We have an "agreement" for living with her, AKA "she says I have to do these things, and I have to agree. But really I won't." They are more or less as follows:

"Constantly see a therapist, any therapist, for any reason."
"Be out of the house for 20 hours a week." (maybe it was 30?)
"Be a friendly housemate." (paraphrased)

I simply don't do them.

They don't make sense to me. I can't even approach them.

Once she started imposing a loose $50/week rent, I tried to amend the agreement to get some middle ground, and she refused to budge and didn't seem to hear what I was trying to say.
So I still don't do them (except I do pay the loose rent), but I nod my head and say oh of course I'll work on that, usually coupled with an excuse for why I'm not up to par.


I'm pretty forgetful, mostly out of not caring. I could try to set up a chore schedule for myself, get more done faster, if I could follow it.
Much of her criticism comes from me leaving things undone for too long. (How long is Too Long? that's not always given a solid definition.)
These are bad habits I've had for a long time ... although, maybe that's just my pace in life. My pace is too slow for her.
At the same time, I feel like I did my laundry pretty regularly during my year of college... Who knows.
Point is, I'm not exactly blameless. To her, maybe it seems like intentional resistance..? I don't believe it's intentional. I'm too tired to think about this part right now.


It's a standoff.

I avoid leaving my room, or opening the door.
It doesn't seem worth trying to bring these things up with her. I've tried talking meaningfully (and as nonaggressively as I can manage) to her. It doesn't end well, best case scenario being that she accuses me of trying to weasel out of something-or-other just because I don't want to do it.

I'm pretty sure she resents me for still living with her, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand why I haven't moved out yet (though again, to be fair, I haven't been able to explain it to myself until recently).
I'm pretty sure she picked up some "narcissism fleas" from her dad. I think that's the correct terminology.

So at this point I just... Don't tell her anything personally meaningful. Unless she asks, and then I leave out as much as possible.
Every dialogue is tinged with tension.


She does respect my day-to-day privacy.
She hasn't tried to isolate me.
She respects my self-expression. I think.
She doesn't pry.
She provides plenty of money for groceries and usually isn't inquisitive about my purchases.
She's been overall generous-ish in letting me stay with her.
Sometimes it seems like she's trying to connect. It's hard to tell if it's genuine. I don't reciprocate.

I occasionally do something small that would indicate I still care about her, but I think that's mostly because I need to be at least partially on her good side. It's really hard to tell if I actually still care about her.

And maybe I'm overreacting, exaggerating, making a mountain out of several unsightly molehills. Or that I'm just as bad, leaving out my own wrongdoings. My biggest worry is that I'm just angsty. Or, I dunno, picking out stuff to call toxic. Especially because I don't think it used to be this way.

Regardless, the routines we have are so bad for each other. And we keep feeding each other crap. And I'm not sparing the brainpower to try to fix it.

(I could move in with my dad, but based on experience that would not be any better for different reasons, even though I can get along with him.)

I can keep this up if I need to. I've gotten good at not listening to what she says. I'm finding my own ways to grow.

Thank you for reading.
(A couple minor edits for word choice & clarification were made.)