Medianship, one month in

("We" in this specific post refers mainly to the host subsystem.)

A friend recently said they believe median systems tend to combine into one individual or split into more individuals before long, or that they use the term "median" for a "mild" experience of plurality. Based on what I've heard, that's not always true, but it got me thinking.

If this median collapsed into an individual, I don't know whether I would be distraught. But! It would be a negative result, based on previous experience.

Splitting farther is the aim. Why? I don't know, honestly. So far, mild plurality is organizing the brain. Embracing it has unraveled another layer of depression. Maybe it's naïve to assume we'd function even better if we were more separate, but that's where we're looking!

It's rare to recognize thought threads running in parallel. I don't think we're necessarily here to balance each other or to give voices to internal arguments (as sounds is the case in other median systems). Or at least it is not obvious to us if so!

We're all sort of variations on [legalname], with the same memories and sensibilities, and we are parts of a complete breakfast.

This may be because we've been identifying not with functions but with individual names and sets of traits, and self-feelings. It's still unclear who's who, but it's engaging to figure it out!

So far, we're guessing about six people, often in some state of blending:

  1. Kayla, who seems confident and driven in many ways and a bit IDGAF-y, and tends to get in the flow of external communication.
  2. Bailey, who may be Kayla. They feel similar, but their style-feeling isn't always the same. She was only explicitly felt once, but I got a punky generally-irritated-at-the-world feeling from her.
  3. Alex/Rey/needsadifferentname, who seems to be the most unhappy of us. I guess he(?)'s the one absorbing most of the social anxiety and passing as neurotypical in public?
  4. Kit/Autumn, who is an excited fountain of love for our friends and acquaintances. She's very huggy! "Autumn" seemed like a separate entity before, but now I only feel Kit. We're using her name for us overall too.
  5. Azzy, who I only felt once, but he felt like a warm soft-spoken guy, like the kind of young man we were hoping to be (before realizing we weren't a guy overall).
  6. and Rena, who might be Bailey. Her highlight was realizing we were full of upset aggravated energy and she released it physically without being inappropriate, which was a great help.

And! In addition, the two outside our host subsystem:

  • Rhea (Sam) is usually hanging around and is very warm. She's tried a lot of forms over the years but right now she appears as Rhea Snaketail and it seems to be working for her own well being.
  • Emily has no chill, but she has a lot of spirit and doesn't seem to be afraid of telling people how she feels. She's around less, but there's not much for her to do, so...

It feels snowflaky to be claiming this many. But I have faith our peers won't be judgemental, even if others are.