Personal blog for Kits
Toxic Parents
Realized another thing about the mother. Hadn't put it to words before.
She is respectful of personal space, but only to a degree.
She asks what I'm reading.
If I don't want to answer, she complies with her words, but her tone and body language make it clear I've wronged her.
If I do answer, she offers opinions I haven't solicited.
She asks before hugging me. But when she asks if she can hug me, or if I want to eat out with her, and I say no, her face and body language indicate it's a personal offense.
If I exist at all outside my bedroom, she acts like I owe her attention. I don't mean like, not saying hello, I mean not engaging in full conservation.
I often don't talk to her because I dislike her, I admit that. But I think it's also normal to not always want to engage with someone just cause they're in the same room.
At first I thought maybe it was an inexplicable autistic thing to not want to give or reciprocate attention every time we're in the same area, but... It's not an autism thing, is it? I don't think so, at least not entirely.
If I leave the room, she always tells me "I won't be here long, you don't have to leave." Which is yet another guilting tactic. (Regardless of whether her presence is really why I'm leaving or not.)
She doesn't barge into my bedroom, but she doesn't seem to understand that a closed door means "I don't want to talk." I'll specifically tell her later.
And there was the time I was awake late at night in my room but I didn't leave it specifically to say hello to her when she arrived home, and for a couple days she kept chasing me down telling me how bad I was for not doing so and seemingly expecting something of me that she would not ask.
As her child, or as her housemate, I do not owe her my attention beyond a simple politeness.
...
Vent from today:
1)
I swear she sings louder and more often when I'm nearby, and I she knows I don't like her singing because she specifically asked me once. But I might be wrong about that as active antagonism.
2)
(mother comes home, sees me reading)
Her: "What're you reading?" (tries to look at the cover)
Me: "Do you really wanna know?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: (tilts the book so she can clearly see it says Toxic Parents)
Her: "Ah. I already know that's your... orientation."
Me: (takes a mental note, ignores her)
a minute later, she passes by again
Her: "I certainly read plenty about How to Raise a Difficult Child, so it's fair you get your thing too."
Me: (noncommittal snark sound)
3)
Shortly after this, she texted my brother asking if he thought she was toxic.
He then sent me an angry text telling me to "figure your relationship shit out."
She never at any point acknowledged to me the possibility she might be toxic.
She seems incapable of admitting possible fault for anything meaningful. She pulls many "acceptable" tactics to avoid it. Stall, deflect, invalidate, criticize, focus on details, sidetrack, act hysterical, elicit guilt, demand more information, and threaten to kick me out. This has held consistent for every single interaction we have.
I know there's a term for "something said to another person, which can be interpreted as benign, or interpreted as malicious, but is phrased in a way that maliciousness is easily denied."
This, too, is common from her. I think I have done this to others, but I try to catch myself.
...
I think I am letting my anger towards her a) take up too much mental resources, and b) colour my expectations of people and myself. I know this on some level but not others. How can I release this anger?



