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The Writer's Workshop

The Writer's Workshop

The Writer's Workshop is a positive community to promote each other's work and learn the craft of writing and publishing

5149 members
Posted bySwankmotronin/writers-May 16, 2016 at 5:46 PMΔ

Strengthen your opening line...

Drop your story's opening line here and the community will help you strengthen it...

Comments16
  • isometimeswriteMay 16, 2016 at 7:27 PMΔ

    Turns out, curses are a bitch.

    • Ian_InternetMay 16, 2016 at 7:47 PMΔ

      I don't think you need the "turns out." "Curses are a bitch" is enough. I think as it is, it feels a little 'done' though? I feel I've read an opening line of that type many, many times. Trying thinking about giving a bit more detail about the curse? Something new and really interesting straight up.

      "As Gareth's limbs slowly turned green and gnarled he begin to rapidly regret his policy of never helping old ladies across the road", would be the kind of thing I'd do. No worries if you don't agree!

      • isometimeswriteMay 16, 2016 at 8:02 PMΔ

        Thanks. I'm actually writing this from a first-person perspective, who's a semi-snarky 23-year-old social media addict princess, so in this case, I think it works. I'm writing more the way she would talk, and I don't want to stuff everything in a single sentence. Here are the first several lines (and yes, the gif is actually a part of the story). Curious to hear what you think with more context!


        Turns out, curses are a bitch.

        I woke up this morning with a streak of dark grey through my hair. Like, a really big, thick streak that would mean I would have a big bald patch if I were to try to cut it out, not just a few strands.

        Dubbins is going to have to pay for this. He’s had 23 years to figure this out and try to get rid of the thing.

        And now I have approximately 6 months before I either die or marry a perfect stranger. Awesome.

      • Ian_InternetMay 16, 2016 at 8:31 PMΔ

        Okay, I get what you're going for. I think you can flip it round. It reads better with "Turns outs, curses are a bitch" at the end rather than the beginning I think, and cut out the "awesome." Reads quite well like that, in my mind.

      • KjerendipityMay 22, 2016 at 5:23 PMΔ

        Yeah, I agree. "I woke up this morning..." is a strong visual image. It draws me in immediately and lets me know immediately that this is probably a diary-style mix of present and past tense, which is helpful orientation.

        Replacing "Awesome" with "Turns out, curses are a bitch" ties up that opening image with a bow and lets me know "ah, it's a curse and not just a normal thing in this universe." I suspect it would also make me snort-laugh placed right there.

        I remain intensely interested in this story and the gif concept.

  • DramatologicalMay 16, 2016 at 7:54 PMΔ

    Jain's heart was kept in a black metal box. It was a small box, buffed shiny with rounded iron rivets holding it together and a silver lock. She'd only seen it once -- the day they'd ripped the still-beating organ out of her chest and placed it gently, reverently, into the velvet lined interior like the most precious, or perhaps dangerous, of things. It wasn't the sort of box you forgot.

    • isometimeswriteMay 16, 2016 at 8:10 PMΔ

      Oh, this is interesting! Just curious, is her name a reference to the religion?

      • DramatologicalMay 16, 2016 at 8:11 PMΔ

        Yes, actually. :)

      • isometimeswriteMay 16, 2016 at 8:11 PM

        Oh, cool! Now I'm more curious.

    • Ian_InternetMay 16, 2016 at 8:22 PMΔ

      It's quite wordy for an opening. Revisions according to my personal taste:

      Jain's heart was kept in a black metal box. She'd only seen it once, though she could still remember it clearly, its shiny iron rivets and its silver lock. They'd ripped the still-beating organ out of her chest, and placed it gently into the velvet lined interior like the most precious of things. It wasn't the sort of box you forgot.

      Aware it's a fairly big revision! Purposefully changed a fair amount to give you a different perspective on the opening. Just think there's maybe quite a lot to take in immediately for an opening?

      • isometimeswriteMay 16, 2016 at 8:30 PMΔ

        This version doesn't seem any shorter to me, if wordy is the complaint. Also, the length of any beginning is relative. The first sentence is only 9 words, two of which are "in" and "a." Or an opening can be the entire first chapter. It's often only too wordy or lacking detail depending on how much you count as "the opening."

        Personally, I also actually liked the tone of the original a bit better. There was a slight tone of mystery to it that drew me in; the second one feels a bit more matter-of-fact. Though maybe it was just the italics that made it seem more mystical. :)

      • Ian_InternetMay 16, 2016 at 8:39 PM

        I didn't mean wordy in terms of length but in terms of there being quite a lot of description to take in quite early.

        "Jain's heart was kept in a black metal box." is a good opening, I know what the deal is immediately, but then we get straight into a description of the box which doesn't really feel necessary to me. Tried to cut two sentences together so we have a clear point in each.

        First sentence: It's in a box. Second sentence: She'd only seen it once but still remembers it. Third sentence: The event that means she still remembers it. Fourth: Summary of the paragraph.

        Reads clearer and with more threat to me, but maybe it's just a taste thing. My general policy is to cut out anything which isn't serving a distinct purpose.

  • Ian_InternetMay 16, 2016 at 7:17 PMΔ

    "Politics, like meteors, seemed an absurdly far away concept to Fran. How were the movements of white men in suits, or fast moving celestial bodies, supposed to have any impact on her, an ordinary hard working person?"

    • DramatologicalMay 16, 2016 at 8:06 PMΔ

      Movements, then moving sounds weird to me.

      The white men could be stumbling, or the celestial bodies careening, or something to make them two different words. Or both. And the two things, I feel, should be phrased as similarly as possible to set up a rhythm. Like:

      Politics, like meteors, seemed an absurdly far away concept to Fran. How was the stumbling of smartly dressed white men, or the careening of chaotically dotted celestial bodies, supposed to have any impact on her, the average person who merely walked?

      That's just like... words I made up, I'm sure there are better ones, but you get the picture.

      • Ian_InternetMay 16, 2016 at 8:10 PM

        Good point. I'll change to actions. "Ordinary hard working person" is an important line because it's a parody of the typical things people say in regards to politics.

  • swords_and_wordsMay 17, 2016 at 12:40 PM

    I will never forget the shame I felt that day - shame, for now everyone knew the full truth of what had happened. Yet, there was also a grim sort of pride there, too. The road to escape, to freedom, had opened to us, its path clear cut in dark letters on the fine stationery of the court. “Opened” makes it sound easy, a simple matter of knocking on the door. I suppose that’s how it appears to the lucky few who never have to knock at all.

The Writer's Workshop

The Writer's Workshop

The Writer's Workshop is a positive community to promote each other's work and learn the craft of writing and publishing

5149 members
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